i finally get to go home. i've been here a looong time. well, it feels like a long time.

at least we hit our number. well, i don't know about the company as a whole, but i hit the number i was supposed to hit. and that's all that matters... hehehe...

tomorrow's the beginning of a new fiscal half. i swear, it only gets worse and worse.

i decided to go up to monterey to see my aunt this weekend. well, on saturday. it'll probably be about a 5 or 6 hour drive... i shouldn't complain, though. it'll be longer for my parents, since they're picking me up.

i love my parents, but... i don't know. 2 weekends in a row? i might die. if i don't blog after october 10, you know what happened. heh.

on the up side, i'll probably get to see jules for a bit... even if it is just for lunch or dinner...

on another note, i have more than 300 posts... holy crap... now i have to check my profile. ... *time lapse* omg. i have an average of 30 posts a week. ... i've only been on since july 2004. i think i may have a serious blogging problem.

cho revolution

last night, we watched cho revolution. there were times that i was laughing so hard, i really thought i might puke. of course i can't think of anything fun right now. but that's because i'm brain dead. also, check out her blog. i have it in my sidebar...

i wanna be margaret cho when i grow up.

so... i have no title for this... because... well, this post is going to suck.

as i'm busy freaking out on people, my dad sends me an email. at the very bottom, it says:

PS... sorry for making you feel bad yesterday about the blood types for your aunt. your poor aunt. she can't contact dan and lonna [those are her kids]. she will not die right now, but i don't think she'll live long. i wanted to find her blood to show her that her family loves her. however, she decided to take the blood from the blood bank, so we don't have to donate our blood to her. we will go visit her this weekend. i'm sorry that i bother you so often.

okay. i'm officially a fucking asshole. yesterday, he called me and i was really busy. he kept on asking me what my blood type was, steve's blood type, our cousin's ben's blood type... i only knew mine. A+. i don't know anyone else's. and i told him that and said i had to go.... i didn't even ask him why.

what the fuck is wrong with me? it never even crossed my damned mind that someone might need the blood... why do i even care about work? fuck. i need to take some time to prioritize my life. i hate work, but i'm blindly devoted to it. what the fuck is wrong with me???

you know, my aunt can't catch a fucking break. 5 years ago, her husband died in a car accident. 3 years later, her son dies (joe), afterwards, she finds love and gets remarried, only to have her other children stop talking to her because of it... she has no one. and i was hoping that she could at least be happy with her new family... and now she doesn't even have her health?

she's a good woman. a christian woman. she doesn't deserve this. how can one woman suffer so much loss and still be a devout christian? i don't know. i lost my faith a long time ago. i think i had it bad because i lost my sister, my grandma, my grandpa, my favorite uncle, my favorite cousin... how much worse to lose your mother, your father, your husband, your son... and your other 2 children, as well? i think that the loss of the other 2 children must've hurt more than any other.... they chose to hate her and put her out of their lives. although, i don't really blame lonna. dan's rather manipulative... and much older than she is... i feel sorry for her..... i emailed her. i really hope she calls me... i hope dan's not reading her email. i hope she calls me...

at any rate, i would say pray for her, but i don't think that's going to help.

i could REALLY use a drink.. or 2 or 3.

unfortunately, i can't leave the office for lunch.

also, i've got those cursed asian genes. i turn bright fucking red when i imbibe anything with even a hint of alcohol in it. i can sniff beer and i'll be red for hours. if i even look at liquor, it's over for me. crimson red for me. and it's not just my face. my ENTIRE body will be covered in RED splotches.

what the hell???? i'm so unlucky.

steve has a hollow leg. i'm serious. he can drink and drink and drink and ... well, you get the point. it's sickening. and 99% of the time, you can't tell he's drunk. either that or he's really not drunk. i guess the white man's fire water has no effect on him. even if he is half white. one time, he and my cousin ben drank a whole bottle of tequila. a WHOLE bottle. what the fuck? and then he had beers afterwards.

i can't drink tequila. makes me ill. i can maybe take a shot or two, but then i'm done for the night. once i had 6 or 7 shots. i turned bright red. and then deathly pale. and then i puked. FOR HOURS. literally.

hey, i saw Garbage Pail Kids in nj this past weekend. i didn't know they still made and/or sold those! holy crap. i almost bought a pack. then i decided against it. wtf am i gonna do with garbage pail kids???

at any rate, the only one i remember is the character UpChuck. oh yeah. that's some funny shit. and then my friend reminded me of the other pukey character: Heavin' Steven.

i'm still hungry. even after i was thinking about puking. i'm hungry. i'm always hungry. i think i have an eating disorder. eating is one of my favorite things to do. whatever. i almost wish it was tuesday today so we could go to el torito grill for taco tuesday... mmm.

ah well. i guess i'll just have to have happy hour at our place. and everyone's invited!

mind your own goddamned business

yesterday, i had to go to the credit department....

this department is seriously lazy. they don't do shit unless you stalk them. they don't check voicemails or emails. i can send an email and put a return receipt on it and they'll say, "oh, i didn't get anything!" and 5 minutes later, i'll get a message saying that they received it.

this is most evident at month end... month end is always really busy... but, they still don't check shit. i can send something at 8AM and they won't check it until 11AM, unless i go over there and tell them that i sent them an email. and when i go over there, they try to tell me that i didn't send them anything. then i tell them that i'll resend it... and 5 mins later, i'll get a return receipt and then they'll tell me that the second one came through okay. and then i'll tell them, "I DIDN'T SEND YOU A SECOND EMAIL."

at any rate, they're never working. i may fuck around a lot at work, but i get my shit done. and i will show up early if i need to and i will work late when i need to. they are here for exactly 8.5 hours. and they always take their 15 minute breaks. although, most of the time it stretches out to 30+ minutes.

i do more work than 5 people over there in that department. they're just a bunch of fucking whiners. whenever i go over there, the guy i need to talk to is never at his desk. i'll call him T. for Turd.

T is either socializing with someone in another cube, in the restroom, or at lunch. it could be 3pm and he'll be at lunch. 11am? at lunch. i have no fucking idea when he's in the office. i have to walk over there multiple times a day to babysit him. and he and his stupid boss (i'll call him J. for Jackass) come over and ask my boss to take them out to dinner or lunch... he should take them out for doing their job? what the fuck... they always act like they're going above the call of duty, when in reality, they're barely doing enough of their job to keep it.

i got off topic... i am so annoyed right now...

oh yeah. so yesterday, i go over to talk to T regarding Customer X's credit line. (by the way, this is not even my job. i don't get paid for doing this bullshit. the sales guy does. yay! i get fucked in the ass again!) he's arguing with me and arguing with me... so i say, "look, let's talk to J... maybe he will just let the product go without a payment since this IS the end of the fiscal half and all."

so we're waiting. while we're waiting, he starts asking me about my marriage. now, i understand he's just trying to make conversation, but it's none of his fucking business.

T: you've been married for a while now...
G: yeah... almost 2 years...
T: well, it's about time you start having kids now, right?
G: *blank stare*
T: isn't it?
G: uhm... it's not really any of your business
T: yeah, that's true...
G: i'd rather not talk about it
T: well, i guess it'll happen when it happens
G: *blank stare* (thinking to myself - just because we're breeders doesn't mean that we should be allowed to have accidents...) uh. yeah. look. i'm going to go back to my desk. please call me when J's done fraternizing over there. thanks. *walks away very quickly*

i didn't say anything to him because i didn't think he would understand. he's fairly dim-witted. it's unbelievable. also, he likes to put up pics of W all over his cubicle. if i didn't know any better, i'd think he had a crush on him. he just assumes that everyone's a republican. i don't say anything to him because i do NOT discuss politics or religion with people at work.

one time at work, this lady (i'll call her S for Stupid) found out that i *gasp* wasn't republican! she started verbally attacking me. so i told her (i've found that most republicans hate this), "you're not a republican. you're libertarian. you've got liberal viewpoints, but you're conservative with your money. you're libertarian. okay?" boy, she got so mad. her face was all red... and i was enjoying myself immensely. and then...

S: you know what? if you don't like it ("it" being the fact that orange county is the GOP capital of kahl-ee-for-ni-a), you can just get out. (and she was really pissed, by the way, she wasn't kidding.)
G: oooookay...
S: no, i'm serious, just get out! (her voice is loud and shrill by this time... attracting a crowd)
G: *condescending smile* oooookay....

i swear i will never talk about politics again. same goes for religion. hell, steve and i don't even talk about that stuff at home. every once in a while, he likes to make a snarky comment to get me riled up, but nothing other than that.

what a shpadoinkle day.

if everyone would just do their goddamned jobs like they're supposed to, i wouldn't need to show up here at work at 7 fucking o'clock in the morning.

fuck. i'm getting screwed over here... i've already spent a good... say, 20 minutes screaming at people... and it's not getting me anywhere... the first 10 minutes before that were spent being nice, so neither tactic worked...

my boss had to go to a major vendor today... even though it's the end of the fiscal half... if he were here making the calls instead of me, everyone would be jumping to do his bidding and licking his balls as they were doing it. i am unbelievably pissed today.



thanks to jeremy's blog, i've had "obsession" by animotion stuck in my head for two days.

just try not to get this stuck in your head. it's damn near impossible. unless you're too young to remember this song. damn you.

You are an obsession
I cannot sleep
I am your possession
Unopened at your feet
There's no balance
No equality
Be still I will not accept defeat

I will have you
Yes, I will have you
I will find a way and I will have you
Like a butterflyA wild butterly
I will collect you and capture you

You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me
You are an obsession
You're my obsession
Who do you want me to be
To make you sleep with me

I feed you I drink you
My day and my night
I need you I need you
By sun or candlelight
You protest
You want to leave
Oh, there's no alternative

Your face appears again
I see the beauty there
But I see danger
Stranger beware
A circumstance
In your naked dreams
Your affection is not what it seems


My fantasy has turned to madness
And all my goodness
Has turned to badness
My need to possess you
Has consumed my soul
My life is trembling
I have no control

I will have you
Yes, I will have you
I will find a way and I will have you
Like a butterfly
A wild butterfly
I will collect you and capture you



i can't wait until this month is over. yes, i know it's tomorrow, but it can't come soon enough.

with this being the end of our fiscal year, things are just hectic and crazy... and my desk is still fucked up... i need it to be october 1st. now.

then i can come back to blogging and surfing and emailing. yay!

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
- Alexander Pope

last night we watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

i really liked it. i'm a sap that way, though.

the degradation of a relationship between a man and a woman who used to be so in love. she erases her memory with the help of a company (lacuna) and just to spite her, he does the same. (it's a lot less sci-fi than it sounds.)

he realizes in his dream-state that he wants to hang on to some of these memories... they're all he has of her and some of those memories are happy and precious to him.

kate winslet plays a girl who is feisty and full of life... sparkling. she is also delicate and fragile... making her so believable. jim carrey is a quiet, plain man. and he is so great in this movie.

all the other characters (elijah wood, mark ruffalo - yummmmmy, kirsten dunst, tom wilkinson) are okay ... i didn't really care for them too much. every time they'd cut to the subplots, i felt like they were just there for comic relief or something... jim carrey and kate winslet really make you care about them... i think i wanted them to get back together more than they did... uhm, if they were real people and not fictional characters.

at any rate, this movie made me think... had i the opportunity, would i erase the memories i have? would i get rid of psycho and hannah? would i get rid of the painful memories of the loss of family members and friends so i could start over? so i wouldn't have these psychotic tendencies? and all this fucking paranoia?

i don't think i would. i think if i didn't have the memories of them, i would be a completely different person. i'd probably not appreciate steve as much as i do. ... . i would be much more naive. (not sure if that's a good or a bad thing yet)... i wonder if steve would want me to forget that shit... i wonder if that would make me a more well-adjusted person? i wonder how different i would be... and how different my life would be. i don't know.



steve and i were talking at lunch before we fell asleep for our lunchtime nap...

and we were talking about being drunk and getting embarrassed when someone's drunk. he always claims that he's not embarrassed when i'm drunk making an asshole out of myself. i think he's lying. he never acts embarrassed, though. and he never tells me to shut the fuck up or anything. well, he'd never use those words. he almost never curses... and he NEVER curses at me.

at any rate, i dated a guy for a while. he was a chef. nice enough guy. an only child. he was kind of needy. i cheated on Psycho with him. he was cute in a blonde hair, blue-eyed sorta way... (since then, i got into my geek-guy phase and then my latin-boy phase...)

he moved to portland and i went to visit him. by this time, we weren't REALLY dating anymore (i wasn't about to have a long distance relationship... plus i was dating a ton of other guys at the same time).

i proceeded to get a tad drunk. not COMPLETELY shitfaced, but i had a pretty good buzz going on. he was SO embarrassed.

and he was always telling me he loved me and trying to get me to tell him that i loved him. if he loved me, wouldn't he love me for who i was, even if i wasn't "cool" after a few drinks? so i get a little silly. so fucking sue me. jeezus.

and then he got all mad when he mentioned he might move back down to so. cal. and i wasn't exactly thrilled. what the fuck did he want me to do? jump up and down like a little school girl? i just told him that i didn't want him to move down for me. i told him that i didn't think we'd stay together, even if we started dating again. and i told him i wasn't ready to date anyone exclusively. boy, he was pissed. what, he thought we were getting married?

whatever. what a girl... :P

in his defense, though, i screwed him over a little bit. before all this, he was moving back from the east coast, and we'd been talking a lot... he was supposed to spend some time with me before he moved up to the northwest. but then a boyfriend came into the picture... and this boyfriend needed to stay with me for a bit... so i had to 'fess up to chefboy that he couldn't come and see me. oops. heh. but at the same time, i think he just liked me more than i liked him... or, maybe he just wanted more from me than i could give him at the time... but, in my defense, i didn't really owe him anything.... so there.

and he never did cook for me. that rat bastard.

live strong...

and to that, i say bite me.

if i see another fucking lance armstrong "bracelet" i'm going slit my throat with a letter opener. or have someone stab me in the temple with it. whatever.

first of all, they're ugly as sin. second of all, do you really think all of those celebrities would be rocking that thing if lance wasn't boinking sheryl? huh? i don't think so.

don't get me wrong. i have a lot of respect for him... well, as far as the kicking cancer's ass goes. i think he's a dick for ditching his wife and kids... (not like i know the whole story. i mean, hell, she could be an alcoholic abuser for all i know...)

i always root for lance to win the tour, etc... i was so happy that he won the last time, i defended him when steve kept on saying that he's doing drugs, i'm glad that the money's going to cancer research... but, FUCK.

i'm so fucking sick and tired of those bracelets. they don't even match anything! what the fuck matches yellow, anyway? can't people just buy it and NOT wear it? or donate some dollars to a worthy charity. they just have to sport it so that everyone knows. do they have to advertise that they spent a few bucks on a shitty ass piece of shit bracelet-wannabe wristband?

i don't think people are supporting cancer research as much as they're flaunting the fact that they have one. nobody gives a fuck. just stop it and stop mismatching... for the love of god....

someone's humming...

and it's driving me fucking insane. i can hear it from here. they probably have those earbuds in and they're just humming along...

make it stop. make it fucking stop.

for my fellow drum and bass lovers

(ahem, julia and jeremy...)

check out High Contrast... i can't find a Web site... argh.

at any rate, his drum 'n' bass is a little more musical than say, dieselboy, but it's good, nonetheless.

speaking of dieselboy, i finally listened to The Dungeonmaster's Guide that i've had in my car for weeks and weeks... (my car rocks an mp3 player, so i've been listening to this cd for a long time before i finally got to the album...)

it's good... but at the end, it was kind of... trace-esque. i was a little confused. i've never heard him deviate from the hard, beat-heavy, almost music-less drum 'n' bass...

at any rate, so, besides Concord Dawn and Black Sun Empire, check out High Contrast and The Stork. seriously. he kicks ass, too.

so much good music, so little time. the only good thing about having a long commute to work is listening to music on the way... since my commute is about 15 minutes at maximum, it's hard to really get into stuff... and steve and i usually switch off cars to carpool. it takes me a LONG time to get through a cd these days.



3 men just came up to check out my workstation.

they're going to recommend that i get a port rep, usb keyboard, keyboard tray... lower my desk...

this better work. i'm tired of my shoulders being as hard as fucking rocks. the chiropractor and acupuncturist were both mortified at the condition of my shoulders and back...

awww, fuck. the guy who is here at my desk right now and who's about to put the keyboard tray on... is this stalker dude.


when i first started working here 4 years ago, he used to come by my desk every single day... believe it or not, i was nice then...

anyway, he would come by every day and i'd be nice and polite to him... one day he tries to ask me on a date:

stalker dude: uhm, do you like rice?
me: i kinda grew up with it, so yeah, i like it...
SD: uhm, there's this persian place and they have lots of rice there... do you want to go with me sometime?
me: uhm, thanks, but i don't think that would be a good idea...
SD: uhm, so, what about dinner? they have belly dancers there... huh huh huh...
me: uhm, thanks... but i still don't think that would be a good idea...
SD: okay...

and then he proceeded to come every day for a week and ask me to lunch and dinner... and every day, in the nicest way possible, i would turn him down... well, i thought i was turning him down, but apparently, he thought he had a chance because i didn't just say, "no, get the fuck away from me."

finally, he confronts me in my cube and says, "look, if you don't want to go out with me, just say no... it's not like i'm going to get mad or anything."

so i looked him in the eye and said, "okay, then... no... thanks."

he then starts yelling at me. i was mortified...

SD: well, if you didn't want to go out with me, why didn't you just say so? you're just leading me on and you're a tease! blah, blah, blah...

he was literally yelling at me... i was dumbfounded and completely speechless. (and i was a nice to everyone at work, back then...) so... i just sat there... frozen... and then he stormed off...

in a way, i was relieved, but in a way, i was thinking, "how fucking dare he????"

i avoided him... avoided all eye contact with him for months...

after a couple of months, i decided that i was being rude, so i decided to say hi to him again the next time i saw him. what a fucking mistake. i said hi to him once and he was back on my ass... coming by my cube every fucking day, and hinting that he'd like to go out for lunch or dinner or something. so i had to start ignoring him again...

so now, i have my notebook here (thank god for wireless access) in my boss' secretary's cube...

he's just creepy, man... i can't explain it...


goddamn, i'm tired....

i had another weird person on the plane trip back. last time i had the mute guy. this time, i was on the aisle and i requested a blanket. the guy came over to give me a blanket and as he put it out for me to grab, the lady on the other aisle seat grabbed it out of his hand, ripped it open and used it...

the "inflight crew member" and i just looked at each other with that "wtf???" look on our faces... and then he apologizes and tells me that the blanket she just took was the last blanket on the flight. fucking whore.

weird shit only happens to me when i'm alone... when steve's with me, nothing ever happens. what's up with that? it must be because steve looks like such a bad ass, no one wants to fuck with me... :P


New York, New York

arrived at JFK at 11:55PM... i sat next to a guy who was... maybe mute. i don't know what the PC term for it is. he kept on poking me and pointing at shit like he wanted me to do shit. like push the button for the stewardess. (i'm sorry... what are they now? flight attendants?) and he'd hand me his trash and take up the whole arm rest and go to sleep... i was like, what the fuck? i just kept looking at him and telling him no... and other times i'd have to wake him up to tell him no. it was a bad sitch all the way around.

i wouldn't have minded helping him, if say maybe he wrote me a note to explain his situation or something, but he's just expecting special treatment. for all i know, he could just be lazy or a chauvinist.

on the upside, the babies on the flight were really quiet... they cried a little, but it wasn't bad at all.

i watched the Iron Chef for maybe the second time ever. i LOVE that show. and yesterday's theme food was.... wait for it... RICE! i had no idea they could do such creative things with rice. man, i love rice. the iron chef won.

johnny was nice enough to pick me up after work... (thanks, johnny!!! you're the best!)

we went drinking... he took me to ... i think it's palisades park or something. it was like a mini-korea town. except for the bar we went to. i think it used to have jagermeister on tap. no. seriously. also, i think NJ is the last state that allows smoking in bars. had a couple vodka tonics.

lemme tell you something about johnny. he may be indian, but he's more korean than i am. we're sitting in the bar and he's busting out with korean words ... it was great! we could talk smack about people... ahhh... 'twas the best. hehe... i mean, it wasn't like complete sentences, but enough so i knew what he was talking about and no one else did. heh.

oh, lord. i saw a girl walk out of the restroom without washing her hands. i walked out and said to johnny, "oh, lord. we need to leave. i just saw a girl walk out of the restrom without washing her hands" that's just WRONG. he told me at his work, there's a sign that says: you have a moral and legal obligation to wash your hands before returning to work.

i need that sign for our restroom at work. dirty beeeyaches.

we were going to go to another bar, but then i got sidetracked by pizza. oh, gawd, i LOVE the pizza in NY. someone said that the water in CA is different and that's why we don't get NY pizza. whatever. it's a travesty.

if i were a millionaire, i'd fly to NY at least once a week to get me some pizza... i tried this ziti pizza. yeah. it had ziti on top. dr. atkins is rolling over in his grave as i type. it was good, but not as good as just plain cheese pizza. i ate most of johnny's pizza, too. (thanks, johnny!!! you're the best!)

waiting for johnny to get out of the shower so i can hang out with my friend donna...

johnny said i smell like a girl. yay! i don't smell like a disgusting little monkey! i'm delirious. i've been up since 9:30 AM, EST. we went to bed a little after 5. it's now 11:something. i don't think i'm making any sense... *yawn*


The Possibility of Everything

thanks, david... you rock. :)

to hear ben's song, click here...

(it's a rough cut...)

mean girls

so, we watched mean girls last night. normally i don't like those teen movies, but i actually requested this...

when steve told me we got it in the mail, i got all annoyed with him. and he had to remind me that i wanted it... i got mean girls confused with some other lindsay lohan flick...

but mean girls i wanted to watch? why?

can i just say... tina fey totally has that hot librarian look going on...


she's so goddamned funny on SNL... anyway, she wrote the screenplay for mean girls... there is some funny ass shit in that movie...

it's got a trite plot, but the dialogue's pretty funny...

okay, okay. i won't hype it up too much... but it's funny. my favorite character is kevin g. this indian nerd guy... i won't say anything else about it... i'll stop now.

(watch it!)

Happy Birfday, Joe.

Above is my cousin, Joe, whose life was tragically taken from him.

Today's his 28th birthday and I think I'll have a couple of shots for the both of us.
I'm going to NY tonight to party. I think he'd approve.

This song was written by my cousin, Ben, after Joe passed away. Ben writes good music. I wanted to post an mp3 or something, but I wasn't smart enough to do it... ack. If anyone wants to help me out and tell me, the help would be much appreciated...

The Possibility of Everything

Everyday you wake up thinking everything is not so bad
You think you're doing fine, you think you got the time
The world is not ideal, the consolation of philosophy
Is enough to make it right, outside the sun is shinin'

Life seems so good, can do anything
And you get what you wanted
And I can't believe in all the possibilities
The wonder of everything

The moment has meaning

Suddenly without a sign, the world has turned upside down
And there's no reason why, everything's a lie
'Cause somebody's gone, can't do anything
And you lose what you needed
And now there's no more me and you
I never realized this is the wonder of everything

Somebody's gone, can't do anything
O there's no consolation
'Cause now there's no more me and you
How can I feel alive, how much you tempered the suffering

Somebody's gone, but never will leave
You live in the memory
The beauty of you remains to make me realize, realize
The wonder of everything, the possibility of everything

I don't know if we live again, it's a possibility... maybe.

Joe... Still love you. Still miss you.

*boy, feels like the last few posts have been big ol' sob stories... sorry!*


star wars

so, amazon finally sent us our star wars trilogy.... got it yesterday...

i heard that the first day sales was $115,000,000 or something insane like that...

apparently, it's good to be george lucas... even if he does have the largest double chin i ever did see.

on a somewhat related note... mark hamill is NOT aging well. he's starting to look like william h. macy. as much as i love william h. macy as an actor, sexy he is not.

harrison ford looks exactly the same. hell, he's sexier now than when he was han. and we all know how sexy han is.


it's crazy. i had a dream about hannah last night... yet another nightmare on my college campus. wtf. although, it would make sense because we went to college together.

hannah and i had known each other since we were three... ish. she is half a year older than me. we grew up together in NY. we thought we were best friends. what the fuck did we know. we were young and stupid. even after i moved out to the west coast, she and i stayed in constant contact... we thought we knew each other.

my sophomore year of college, she transfers to my school. imagine my excitement. i did everything for her. we hung out ALL THE TIME. i drove her around when i had a car, when i didn't, we would borrow someone else's... we'd go raise hell together. it was fun. my friends embraced her because she was my friend. we were inseparable.

we were both 20. however, she looked much older. (we'd go into bars and she'd tell them it was okay to let me in because i was her slightly younger sister. or she'd say, "but, she and i are the same age." and they'd let me in, assuming she was much older...)

because she looked older, my psycho ex (i will refer to him as Psycho from here on out) found it very easy to take her to bars and such with him and leave me home (at the dorm), even though i never had a problem getting into bars. just his excuse to be with her, i guess.

my dorm was very strict and it was impossible to get out at night. the basement was basically at ground level, so jumping out of the window was out of the question. she was on the first floor of her dorm. she could sneak out whenever she wanted. (my college was fucked up. very strict. very stupid.)

i asked her to stop hanging out with psycho (you see, my relationship with Psycho was already too far gone. i couldn't get out. so the least i could do was do some damage control on the rumors flying around), but she didn't give a fuck. she still hung out with him whenever she could.

Psycho and hannah became fast "friends." i got the impression that they were sleeping together (duh) but i had no real evidence of it. i mean, hannah had been kind of avoiding me. and when we did run into each other, she would avoid eye contact, give me one word answers, things like that... but nothing concrete.

finally i confronted Psycho about it. he admitted to it. he said it only happened twice and it wasn't that good, blah, blah, blah. so i asked him, "so you had to sleep with her a second time to make sure that it sucked?" he was speechless. he apologized and begged for forgiveness. i knew he was only doing this because he'd been caught.

i called up hannah, asked to meet her somewhere like i knew nothing about it. she had no reason to not meet me. then i took her into the woods and beat her with a baseball bat. just kidding. i wish. *sigh* anyway, i met her and we talked and then i just busted it out, "so, are you sleeping with Psycho?" immediately, she looks away and says, "no."

me: look at me and tell me that you haven't. if you say you haven't, i'll believe you. i just need to hear you say it.
h: (looking straight at me) i would never do that to you. you're my best friend. you know i love you.
me: okay... well, thanks for the smoke... i have to go study.
h: okay, bye! (all chipper and shit)

the next day, i get a call from her. apparently, Psycho told her that he 'fessed up. she wants to meet for a smoke. i agree.

h: i couldn't sleep last night
g: why's that?
h: i couldn't live with myself knowing i had lied to you.
g: about?
h: *sigh* i did sleep with Psycho.
g: (trying to act shocked) really....
h: yeah... i don't know why... it just... happened.
g: .......
h: it only happened once. it'll never happen again.
g: only once?
h: yeah. only once. i don't know what came over me...
g: i need to be alone, okay?
h: yeah, i understand...

i didn't talk to her through the end of the school year... (only about 2 weeks or so) she avoided me, i avoided her. she and Psycho still hung out a lot... Psycho still hung out with me... i was a wreck. he just didn't get it. he thought because he confessed to me, everything should be okay. but it wasn't. and it wasn't about him, like he'd thought.

she mailed me a letter later on in the summer. it read:

dear grace,

i don't even know how to begin to apologize to you... i don't know why i did that ... why i did it with Psycho, least of all why i did it to you. i will never forgive myself if i lose our friendship over this.

blah, blah, blah. 5 pages of bullshit. and that's the only part of the letter i remember. i never responded.

i know she's gotten over it. i'm sure she's forgiven herself a long time ago.

several years back, some friends of mine saw her in san francisco with Psycho. i'm sure he flew her out. i'm sure they're not together. she thinks she's too smart to fall into that trap. they'd be perfect for each other. that would be my perfect ending. they deserve each other.

no one has ever broken my heart the way hannah broke my heart. no boyfriend could ever hurt me the way she hurt me. even when i was with Psycho and he was kicking the shit out of me, it didn't hurt as bad as it did when she looked me right in the eye and told me she loved me. it literally felt like i was getting stabbed in the heart. not that i know what that really feels like, but it's what i imagine it would feel like...

it still hurts thinking about it.

in my dream, she tried to take my new kickass purse. i had to kick her ass. i thought i'd be happier about the dream, but it bothered me. not that i want her for a friend or anything. i guess i need to learn to let things go.

when i go to NY this weekend, part of me wants to see her... rub it in her face... but, i know that would do no good... maybe if i thought she had a conscience and would feel so guilty she'd jump off the brooklyn bridge, i would do it... but, i doubt she'd give it a second of thought. plus, she'd probably tell Psycho she saw me... *sigh*


so... i overheard this lady say to someone else:

i'm like, 10 different people all rolled up into this tight, little package. hahaha.

or something to that effect. maybe it was 10 personalities... whatever.

first of all, that's just stupid. second of all, she's NOT TIGHT and NOT LITTLE. she's... fairly large. and she likes to wear TIGHT clothes. the worst outfit was when she was wearing a lacey, tight, v-neck top. it was white. the front was lacey, but had something underneath it, but the back of it was just lace. it was see-through for chrissakes... how exactly is that dressing professionally? if i wore that, i'm sure one of the older ladies would complain to HR or their boss about it.

i told steve last night. and he said: well, she is a tight little package for 10 people.

i heart my husband... if i ever hear her say that again, i will die laughing.

D 'n' B

i love electronic music. for some people, it's just a phase... for me, it's love. i don't care how in or out raves are. i don't give a fuck about those candy ravin' teens. it doesn't matter if people think "dance music" isn't really music because there aren't any instruments.

give me a couple of turntables and an emcee and i'm in heaven. i just want to be right next to a speaker with the *thump*thump*thump* of the bass and i'm in ecstasy.

as a kid, i was really into depeche mode which got me into the electronic grooves... and then trip-hop... portishead, of course was my gateway drug... and then i met massive attack. oh, god. massive attack... and risingson is still my favorite song of theirs. ever. (the best use of risingson is in Abre Los Ojos, the original Vanilla Sky, aka the best movie penelope cruz has ever been in.)

but i'd never known a thing about drum 'n' bass until my cousin, dan, introduced me to "drowning" by AK1200. and then my other cousin, joe, introduced me to roni size and the reprazent crew. i've been hooked ever since. (on a sidenote, steve and i were officially introduced at a roni show. how cool is that?)

since then, trance, house, progressive house and other genres have come into my life, but i'll always have a soft spot for my jungle and drum 'n' bass.

on another sidenote, i've been listening to concord dawn and black sun empire. they're no roni size, but they're good. definitely worth a listen if you like drum 'n' bass at all.



so, if there's an earthquake, a rat could help find you. no, really. read it right here.

yeah, they find you and then what? then they EAT you. i'd rather not get found by a rat. they'll just see you as a decaying piece of meat.

i'd rather die than get chewed to pieces by rats.


wait a sec...

i don't think mel ever returned my copy of Lolita.

son of a...

fuck it. she can keep it. it's only fitting. she does look like a lolita compared to stan.

aw, man. i swore i was going to go back and reread it with a french/english dictionary...

i think steve has a copy... one day i'm going to reread it... i swear.

oh, man...

so, another one bites the dust.

just heard someone at work sold his house here, bought a 2800 sq ft home with some land out in austin for $200K. i'm sure he paid cash for the whole thing...

we are so going to miss our window of opportunity. we could sell our place and move elsewhere. buy a place and look for jobs... there are of course, downsides... family will be far away... korean food will probably be far away... friends will be even farther away. job market may suck... who knows...

sometimes i really want out. move away from here. go to seattle or phoenix or maui or pennsylvania... just quit the job and GO.

UGH. i just want to start the hell over. get out of my dead end job.

but, it'll never happen.

i know i need change. i don't know why i'm never satisfied. it has nothing to do with steve or anything like that...

when i was younger, i always thought that i'd never want to move because we moved so much when i was a kid. i thought that all i wanted was to live in one spot. now, i don't know anymore. i think i need to get away from here. hence all the travelling. travelling keeps me occupied, but... what happens once it stops?

and to be honest, i guess our condo feels like it's just steve's condo. he bought it before he met me. don't get me wrong. i like it. it's cozy, but i didn't pick it out. all my stuff is there, but it doesn't feel like mine. we made some changes to make it feel like mine, but... still...

maybe i just need to hire an interior designer. like thom. *sigh*

i just have issues, i guess. even if we moved into my dream home, i may still be like this. i should be grateful. i mean, most women would die to be in my shoes, right?

what the fuck is wrong with me, anyway???? i just don't know what yet. i don't know if i'll ever find out, either.

man, steve's going to read this and think i'm complaining about him or something...

steve: i'm not complaining about you. i'm complaining because i don't know what's wrong with me. :)


i quit smoking quite a while ago. but, every once in a while (at parties and such) i'll bum one (or two or three) off someone. or have the community cig. everyone shares, everyone's happy...

2 smokes got inadvertently left at our home this past weekend. and i was having a particularly bad day yesterday...

so, i had one. steve, of course, says absolutely nothing. doesn't get mad, there's no reaction. (he says there's no telling me what or what not to do... i don't know what he's talking about...)


i had a capri (you know, the one that looks like a barbie tampon) because you know, it's really like half a cigarette... so it's okay. anyway, i didn't enjoy it nearly as much as i thought i would. i liked the wine better. and it was shitty wine.

i guess i just like smoking when i'm already drunk and there are other people around.

so, i just threw the other one out... eh, it's for the best, i guess... *sigh*

Dead Leaves

gore? check
sex? check
nippleage? check
genetic freaks? check
violence? check
bad ass chick with cute name? check
great animation style? check
drill dick? check check check (more funny than perverted... think jr. high school boy humor)

what's not to love?

it's not getting a theatrical release so get it on dvd. next time, we're seriously going to have to find some drugs to watch it... at least half the time i was thinking, what the fuck?!?!



finally get to go home.

i have been sitting in this chair for 12 straight hours (excluding bathroom breaks, of course).

it's time to find a new job. anyone hiring?

why do my ex-boyfriends hate me?

it's not MY fault they wanted to get married ... when i was between the ages of 17-21.

i always thought we broke up on good terms or it was his damn fault... but they hate me. eh, fuck them.

as far as i'm concerned only 2 of them have a right to hate me. i would like to apologize to them, but i think that i want to apologize for selfish reasons. it wouldn't make them feel better... just me. and i'm the only person who matters! me! me! me!

he was a nice guy. he was there to pick up all my pieces after i left Psycho. he let me stay with him because i had nowhere to go, he listened to me cry and have complete breakdowns. he cooked for me, he bought me cool books. but, he was also 36 when i was 21 (maybe i was 22) and i was a fucked up mess.

he also fell in love with me when i specifically told him we were supposed to be (fuck)friends and (fuck)friends only. i know this because he got drunk and he tried to wake me up to tell me he loved me. i pretended i was still asleep. he still told me. idiot.

and then he got all jealous one time and i had to stop talking to him because of it. he thought it was because jules didn't like him. that may have had a (very) little bit to do with it. but, it was mostly because he couldn't control his emotions.

he did have a very cute irish accent. and cute irish friends. who, by the way, were the worst friends ever. they were always slipping me their business cards and telling me, "let's not tell our boy, G, about this."

after i told him i never wanted to see him or speak to him ever again, he kept on calling me. it was sad. almost desperate. which made me hate him more. at any rate, i ended the relationship in a way that was rude and he didn't deserve that.

also a very nice guy. i cheated on him with my ex-boyfriend. apparently, J was just a rebound for me... but what the fuck did i know? i was 18 or 19 or something like that. i really thought i liked him. until the ex came back around and i realized that i didn't really like J, after all.

that was a very messy breakup. also, i think J ended up hating my ex... who coincidentally, is the only ex who will have anything to do with me. i would use his initial, but it is also J. which makes it confusing.

also, J had a cock the size of a baby carrot. hard. i shit you not. whoever said size doesn't matter is a lying son of a whore jackass. funny because his nickname in high school was the italian stallion. i'm not sure how that's possible. false advertising, i tell you.

also, we were both each other's second person we ever had sex with. neither one of us knew wtf we were doing.

i literally cried after xmas break when i had to go to his place because i just didn't want to see him. that's so wrong. so much could've been avoided if i just told him he was a rebound. it's too bad i didn't know it until it was too late. what an idiot i was. (and still am, on occasion.)

at any rate, i'd like to apologize to both G and J. if i could, i'd tell them:

i didn't mean to hurt your feelings and i certainly didn't mean to be such a bitch to you. i just didn't know any better. i'm so sorry for being so ignorant and insensitive. i hope you can forgive me for being young and stupid.

and all my other ex-boyfriends can go fuck themselves. except for jonny because he's still my friend. even though we have a history together and things weren't always friendly between us, i'm glad we finally got past all that and we can just be cool now. and i'm happy that he got himself a girlfriend who treats him well. and he's glad that steve took one for the team and saved men all over the world from my high-heeled heart stomping.

(this post is dedicated to steve, for loving me despite my fuckedupedness and stupidity.)

Kerry's "Top 10 Bush Tax Proposals"

got this from steve... even though he's a republican, he knows how much i hate the republicans. so he likes to send me this stuff....

(i know. i can't believe i married a republican, either. by the time i found out, it was too late for me. )

i can't remember if we were actually engaged at this point or just dating, but his mother said to him: STEVEN! how could you?!

and my cousins said: he's WHAT???? how could you????

my parents were just happy he goes to church.

but enough of that:
10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents.
9. W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form.
8. Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton.
7. The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair.
6. Attorney General (John) Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution.
5. Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa.
4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa (Heinz Kerry) to cover the whole damn thing.
3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent.
2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it "nuclear" instead of "nucular."
1. George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future.

you ever...

have sex so good you start crying? not sobbing... but you get the tears running down your face.

yeah. it was just that good. and then i passed out for 10 and a half hours last night.

ahhhh... what a good day. besides the bs at work, of course.

i'm like a guy. i'll roll over and fall asleep right after sex. steve on the other hand will be awake and doing stuff... like read or watch a movie or something... i don't know. i just want to be left alone to sleep.



why are so many nightmares located on my college campus? well, i guess i know. i hate that mother fucking place. fuckers.

anyway, it was with vampires this time. and they had yellow eyes like the orange bulborbs do in pikmin. creepy.

but the funniest part of the whole dream was that stan was a vampire. i knew something was wrong with him.

speaking of stan... mel never text messaged me back. she didn't say anything to lilly either. well, then fuck her, too. i stuck my neck out and nothing. oh well. i have better things to do than give a fuck about either of them.

her loss.

do i look sick???

this lady at work took me aside and asked me in a whisper if i was okay.

me: i'm fine....
lady: i heard you were sick.
me: really? that's weird 'cause i feel fine...
l: you're just so skinny, they thought you were sick.
me: o... kay...

[who is THEY? the collective group of yentes at work have been talking about me, i guess]

me: well, thanks for your concern, but i'm not sick...

[yeah. concern. like they care.]

l: well, if you want to talk to someone, i'll be here for you.

[yeah, so she can tell all the other old yentes]

wtf? i got off my diet months ago. and since i had that neck thing i couldn't go to the gym. and then i got sick, but it's not like i was eating less or anything. if anything, i've been getting flabbier. heh.

they're probably hoping i have an eating disorder... i guess they've run out of people to talk about.

and "new york state of mind" is STILL blowing my fucking mind

i love this mixtape (mix cd?)

i'm still all over it... i have this bad habit of listening to a song (or album) over and over again until someone wants to kill me... eh, but i have my headphones on. so not only am i not bothering anyone, i also get to ignore phone calls... my voicemail light's been on for a couple of hours already. hehe.

screw them.

had fun this weekend... had our bbq and screened 'shaun of the dead.'

we were trying to get jules to drive down, but NOOOOO, she had to get j-hole a cheeseburger.

jules! you would've had more fun with us... hehehe. she was supposed to send our phones pics of her boobs. it's the least she could do for not coming down! but.... we never got them. FLAKER!

[larry, rod, thanks for coming down. found out that i left your bag of snickers on our countertop. we'll leave it in the freezer for you for next time. sorry!]

to be honest, i don't remember that much of the evening... hrm... i was already buzzed before anyone even got there... OH... but i BURNED myself.

fuck. it still hurts. and my perfect skin is flawed. i can't believe it. hehe. i'm just kidding. about the perfect skin part...

but it looks pretty gross... stupid oven door. i couldn't believe it still hurt in the shower this morning.

yesterday, after larry and rod left, i played about 7 hours of pikmin 2. i have a problem, i think. i got up 3 times. once to rummage for leftovers and get something to drink, and twice to go to the bathroom. i didn't do SHIT. oh wait. i did the dishes... didn't even go to the gym. damn. i'm afraid if i stop going, i'm going to blow up. i'm paranoid.


by Larry David

LOS ANGELES -- I'd like to address this to America's Undecideds: I'm on to you. You may be fooling everyone else with your little "undecided" act, but you're not fooling me. You know perfectly well whom you're voting for.

The only reason you say you're undecided is that it's a cheap ploy to get attention. How do I know? Because I'm the most indecisive person in the world. I set the template, baby, and you're not passing the smell test.

You want to see real undecided? Go out to dinner with me sometime. I'll show you undecided.

I look at the menu for 20 minutes, ask everybody what they're ordering, and then, finally, after I copy someone, wind up dashing to tell the waiter I've changed my mind.

Do a little shoe shopping with me. I guarantee you won't be able to stand it. The black ones. No, the brown ones. No, the black ones. Several of my relationships have ended in shoe stores, with women slipping out, unnoticed, never to be seen again. I even got thrown out of a poker game once because I sat there, paralyzed, unable to decide whether to fold. It wasn't pretty,
but at least it was genuine, not a bluff, like you people.

Oh, I've observed you in action. I've sat next to you at dinner parties and watched while everyone talked themselves silly, trying to get you on board. But you wouldn't budge, would you? You almost seemed to take some pleasure from it, just like my 8-year-old when she makes me beg her to take her medicine, you rascals.

The other night I saw a whole gaggle of you on TV in a focus group. You really liked chatting with professional pollster Frank Luntz, didn't you? He seemed very interested in what you had to say. Afterward, I could imagine all of you piling into a bus and heading for your local chain restaurant to discuss your exciting evening with Frank. I could see all of you staying friends even after the election. Maybe go on some trips together. Perhaps a wine tour of Tuscany. On bicycles!

Oh, the life of the Undecided. Too bad they can't hold these presidential elections more often. Ah, well, you'll just have to make do. The truth is, Undecideds, you get on our nerves. We Decideds hate the attention you get and that you're jerking us around.

Anyone who can't make up his or her mind at this point in the campaign should forget about the election entirely, buy a pint of ice cream and get into bed. We'd love to tell you to take a hike, but we're afraid to alienate you. If we really had any brains, we wouldn't spend another second on you, but on the people who can truly make a difference: the "unlikely" voters.

And there are millions more of them than there are of you. Those people aren't after attention, they're just incredibly lazy.

The only way they'll register to vote is if someone shows up at their door with a form. And then the only way they'll actually vote is if you carry them to the booth.

Not only are they lazy, they're also indifferent.

They just don't believe that voting can have an effect on their lives. Well, it just so happens that right after I voted for the first time, I landed myself a big fat job in Hollywood, a biopsy came back benign and I met my future wife as soon as I walked out of the voting booth. Coincidence? You decide.
Larry David appears in the U.S. television comedy "Curb Your Enthusiasm"


hair clippings

so, the guy here feels the need to talk about his baby ALL the time was talking to another lady here about how his baby girl is going in for her first haircut tomorrow.

the lady then starts talking about how she has 7 or 8 clippings of hair from various children/ nieces/ nephews/ godchildren.

apparently, they keep them in some sort of frame. one side has a picture of the child and the other side holds some sort of locket that the hair goes in. so these things are made for the first haircut of a child.

and the guy says: oh my god, that is SO cute!

am i the only person that gets freaked out by this? is this what parents are supposed to do? i don't know. i guess i can understand keeping your own child's hair, but 7 or 8 clippings of OTHER kids' hair? that just seems weird to me.

i'm sure i'll be a momzilla when the time comes, but for now, i just don't get it...

my brother's in iowa and i still have to deal with his bullshit

again about my stupid brother.

in this program he's in, my parents can not visit him for 6 months. which is fine. he needs to be away from them, just as they need to be away from him.

unfortunately, there's another prerequisite. they need to take these seminars. if they don't take these seminars, they don't get to see my brother. (to be honest, i don't even know why they want to see him.)

SO. what does this have to do with me? i'm the lucky winner! october 8, i get to go to san diego to attend this seminar with them to be their translator. i swear, with every passing year in the states, their english gets worse. wtf?

anyway, this wouldn't be so bad except it's 3 days long. i have to waste a vacation day and a weekend to go with them. oh, and the schedule...

Friday: 9AM -12... MIDNIGHT.
Saturday: 9AM- 12.. MIDNIGHT.
Sunday: 9AM-6PM...

there goes my weekend - shot to shit. and to be honest, i'm not sure if i can survive 3 FULL DAYS with my parents. i might die. i love them and all, but i haven't lived with them since i was about 14 or 15 years old.

and we're staying at the LOVELY super 8. hehe. eh, it was cheap.

at least the weekend after i'm going to new orleans. heh.


i wish i could draw or paint or even take good pictures. the only times my pictures are decent are when steve tells me where to aim the camera.


he sent me a link to this artist, yumiko.

i can't even draw stick figures.

i guess she's having a show in palm springs the weekend of 10/2. we may have to go visit my parents that weekend. heh.

what a hectic ass morning.

all sorts of shit going down. and then my boss' admin wanted me to drive his car to the dealership for the 15K checkup because she didn't want to go by herself and drive.

another excuse not to work? i'm all over it.
i want a lexus. what a smoooooth ride. purrs like a kitten.

was IM'ing with nina earlier this morning. she, like mike, is very cool and easy to talk to.

isn't technology grand???

saw 2 john kerry for president stickers this morning. i was so excited. i normally only see about one a week or so. but, 2 in one morning? woohoo! it's just so noticeable here in W country.

i know, i know. i should put one on my car. but i have this on my car instead


golden god

steve's been working out more than usual...

and may i say, meeee-ow!

his arms are bulgey (that's not a word, is it... oh well), his man-boobs are hard as a rock, the lines on his stomach are defined... and his butt... oh, his butt... *and the heavenly host sings*. his butt was already nice and taut... ask jules. or any of my friends. i pimp out assfeels all the time. i've never been a butt-girl, but i have been since i met steve... mmm mmmmm.

so, even though i hate going to the gym, i've been going more lately because i don't want people saying, "who's that fit, toned guy with the heifer?"

yet another fucked up blog...

so, i got over being mad about the java scripts... i'm too hungry to work... waiting for steve to have lunch...

i had NO idea. i mean, i knew guys liked girls' underwear... but not like this.

holy crap.

people, if you do your laundry in a public place, never EVER leave it there unattended. *shudder*

so, i started working, but...

then i remembered that last night we watched queer eye for the straight guy. the uk edition.

good god. *swoon* those boys are SO cute! it's so weird. i feel like i'm living in a parallel universe or something when i see that show.

i think i like the uk version the same... or even better than the regular one. it may be because i'm an anglophile.


on another note... i just got a phone call while i was typing about queer eye. the operators here are retarded. every day i get a phone call for the returns department. and every day after i forward the message to the correct person, i call the operator and tell them to forward it to the guy who actually does it. these phone calls come from the SAME COMPANY and they need to get forwarded to the SAME PERSON every time. you'd think they'd just automatically forward them correctly. i am in the SALES division. the customer needs to get forwarded to the RETURNS division. how difficult is that???? idjets. all idjets.

Bloggers of the World....

stop. just stop with those goddamn java scripts or whateverthefuck they are.

i can't just click on "next blog" in peace anymore. something inevitably pops up... bitch! i don't want to see your stupid blog about the boys in your junior high school or your 4 children and 15 pets. and i definitely don't want to see the pop up tell me that i nEeD tO cLiCk yEs tO gEt aCcEsS. fuck. (how do they type like that, anyway?) your blog was just a stepstone. i just wanted to get through your blog to see if there was anything interesting out there.

just because you CAN do it, doesn't mean you should.

i'm so annoyed, i'm actually going to start working now. now THAT'S annoyed.

bud light commercials

if you've ever heard those bud light commercials on the radio, you will appreciate this site.

it's got the real men of genius and real american heroes lyrics...

we heard another one on the way up to the beastie boys concert. it was honoring mr. highway line painter. armed with a brush and a can of yellow paint... you work your magic (and then the rock singer voice guy sings: abracadabra!)

it's funny, goddamnit. i just can't capture it on the blog... i'm sure you can find them in downloadable form somewhere. i'm just too lazy to look.

almost makes me want to drink bud light. almost.


what the fuck happened to the black eyed peas?

they used to be so fun. so good. they had great delivery, great chemistry...

then, BAM!

look! taboo has his hand over his mouth... "*gasp* what the fuck happened?" and will.i.am is saying, "d'oh! what have we done! fans, please! we didn't mean to let you down!" just look at the pic. the person with the least talent is in the forefront....

you see what happened? enter stacy. or fergie... because i guess fergie sounds more ethnic. come on! she's white! leave her be in all her whiteness! i shall refer to her as stacy from here on out.
at any rate, i understand the need for the record company execs to put stacy in the group. i mean, she's an attractive girl and they needed her to balance out the collective ugliness of the boys in the group. i mean, let's face it. they may be talented, but hot? yeah. not so much.

and i understand that they've had their biggest hits (read: pop radio-friendly) since stacy joined... but... i wonder if they feel cheap, despite their designer clothing... i wonder if every once in a while, a twinge of guilt hits them because they let down their real fans... but, probably not. i guess fame and money really do bring happiness.

here they are... when they were good and before they sold out.

if you don't have this album, it's their best one. don't get that crap they started churning out after stacy joined them.

Nina's Post

nina's post had to do with tattoos... but there was something in it that i had to write about.

she mentioned that she's first generation ukranian and lost her last name because she wasn't going to hyphenate it.

i haven't changed my last name yet. i think i will... if/when we have kids... but here is my problem.

changing my last name is huge for me. i mean, this is who i've been for 27 years now. if i change my last name, it's a whole other identity... there's no history... i don't want to hyphenate it, either... and i feel weird about losing my last name.

people have said to me, "well, you got married and you are starting your life together as a family so you should have the same last name and start a new life together, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah." i guess they have a point. i just don't know why it's so hard for me.

why can't they change their last names?

i get teased at least twice a week about this. people say, "oh, are you just waiting to make sure this all works out?" come to think of it, only men say that to me.

some of the women ask me when i'm going to change it or tell me to "just hyphenate it!"

the divorced women all have that, "you go, girl!" attitude when they find out i haven't changed my last name. believe me, i'm not trying to make a statement. it's just really hard for me.

i should change it. i mean, steve has changed me for the better... when i say that, i don't mean he's changed me, literally. i mean, he makes me want to be a better person and i strive to be a better person because of him.

but it's hard. i think about it at least once a day.

i told him i'll change it when we have kids. he says he doesn't care. i wonder if part of him does care, though?




the girl in the cube next to me gave me a cookie. i swear she just wants to see me get fat. actually, she's really nice. she's one of the few i actually get along with here.

at any rate, i ate half the cookie and gave away the other half. this cookie was like a monster cookie. it was about an inch thick and maybe 4 or 5 inches in diameter. and there were like whole hershey's kisses in there. okay. that's an exaggeration, but they were pretty big chocolate pieces.

and now i have heartburn. wtf? i hate heartburn. it sucks. i've had 3 tums. now i have that chalky film all over my tongue. makes me want to wipe my tongue off on my denim jacket... if i get desperate, i might.

then i walked over to the bathroom and the stall has no toilet seat covers... but that's not my major problem. the major problem is that when there are no toilet seat covers, you can see into the next stall. you can't take your pants off without flashing someone. greeeat. what the hell do we pay the janitors for, anyway???

i am just not having a good afternoon... everything's getting fucked up at work... it's just... not... good. *sigh*

steve said i can stay home when we have kids... what a catch-22.

Sin City

finally got the footage for frank miller's "sin city" that we saw at comic-con. check it out.

the movie is a compilation of some of the stories from sin city. the director, robert rodriguez, is keeping it extremely close to the actual novel. at times, the movie cuts back and forth between the frames from the novel back to the movie. the people in the movie look just like the people in the book. it's fucking awesome.

sin city is one of my all-time favorite graphic novels.

i can't wait until this movie's out!

at the risk of seeming like a biter...

mike's post inspired me to write about our first encounter... i'll leave some pretty big chunks out... i don't really like to talk about our sex life... unless it's with jules and we're on the phone (no written evidence!) not because it's not good. it's great... i just don't want to. and i can do whatever the fuck i like... hehe.

this probably won't be nearly as interesting as mike's... and i'm leaving out a lot of the steamy details, but... here goes...

rewind to june 2001. i'd been away from Psycho for a while... and i was having a grand ol' time... i was dating.... count 'em up: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 guys at the same time. (thank the phone gods for caller id)... (shit, or was it 6? whatever.) and for some odd reason, i thought i needed to add another stud to the stable. (goddamn, i'm greedy)

but, hey, jules and i were having a contest and i wanted to win... hehehe. who could get more action faster. ah, good times. and snagging steve would've put me over the top. heh.

anyway, for a few months, i'd been hanging out with his friend. the friend had a big ol' crush on me and told steve not to hang out with me because we had "so much in common." sidenote: i was NOT leading him on. i told him i didn't like him. i told him very clearly. there was no way he could misunderstand. but, he thought for some reason, he still had a chance. the friend went on a road trip. and i began to pursue steve. i had to have him, you see, because he wasn't giving me the time of day. and i just thought i was the playah of the century... and "how dare he ignore me???"

so i was going to teach him a lesson. we actually did (and still do) have a lot in common, especially in terms of musical tastes. i was looking for a new pad to live in and since i was going to be "in the area" we made a "date" so i could check out his (close to 1000) CDs. (i put quotes around date because i'm sure it wasn't a date to him, but i was going to make it one. heh)

i get to his pad, and he's just leaving the pool... just a bronzed god. all tan and toned... and i'm in lust. and then he's just bringing me stacks and stacks of CDs. lemme tell you, i was smitten. in case you didn't know, i love music. one of the few passions in my life. and so we're hanging out, and it's cool.

i'm wearing a tight t-shirt and white booty shorts... because damn it, i was gonna get me some... but, he just wasn't taking the bait... bastard.

we're hanging out for a bit... no moves... not on his part at least... then *begin angelic choir* he asks me if i want to watch a movie. score! movies are always good... it's a korean movie on vcd, called "the affair"... no english subtitles. i'm the worst person to ask to translate. i will just watch it and then when you ask me what they said, i'll answer, "they said no" or "he likes her" or something stupid like that. not explaining shit, basically.

so i'm doing my best to impress him... and just botching it up...
but, there were a few things on my side:
we're watching it on a portable dvd player, so our heads have to be close together (his dvd player couldn't play vcds at the time)
we're on his bed
the movie is about an affair. yes!

woohoo. so we get halfway through the movie before i make my move because he just wasn't doing it. you'd think by this time i'd give up and figure that he just wasn't into me and just enjoy his company. but no, i was determined.

we start kissing and just making out in general. and it is fan-freakin-tastic. i'm seeing fireworks and stars ... and this is just from kissing.

after a while, i decide, enough is enough. i'm gonna fuck him.

and he doesn't want to! i have NEVER been turned down... especially not mid-foreplay. holy crap. all sorts of thoughts run through my head...

"i should just leave."
"but the making out part is fun."
"but i could get this from anyone."
"but the chemistry is just THERE."
"but i'm not sure if i'm going get him in the sack."
"but, ooh, maybe i can 'convince' him."

i settled on trying to convince him. i tried to convince him for hours to no avail.

it was pretty dark out when i left. i did what any other self-respecting girl would do. told him i had plans later that evening (which i did) and left. i promptly called my saturday night date and told him i wasn't going to be able to make it. i just did not want to see anyone. then i called julia...
me: jules...
jules: so, what happened?
me: he's gay.
jules: what the fuck?
me: he's gay. he's gotta be gay. never mind the fact that we just spent hours making out. he's gay.
jules: (in a patronizing voice) yeah. he's gay.
me: i can't believe i didn't get any!
jules: it's 'cause he's gay.
me: yeah...

eh, the conversation went something like that... you get the point.

lest you think it was a bad experience, i will clarify. it wasn't. it just made me want him more. then i started stalking him. calling him, having him come over, inviting him for lunch so i could thank him for burning some random cd for me... blah, blah, the works. couple of weeks later he was mine... and you know what they say about the rest, right?

but, i showed him! i married him! :P hehehe...

ah, the beastie boys

went to the long beach convention center... never been there before... it's got these ginormous whales on the side of the building.

in the beginning, they've got a camera on mix master mike coming out of their trailer, coming into the conv. center. they all had matching outfits. green jogging suits with yellow shirts. in green it said beastie boys. looked like felt. they had trucker hats that had their names on it. mix master mike's said MMM. and he wasn't wearing the green jacket... he dropped the first record and the crowd went fucking nuts. huge screens on stage and there was a camera getting him cutting and scratching, it was pretty cool.

the concert was great. they have so much goddamned energy. jumping around and making fun of each other. and they posed for everyone with camera phones. of course i forgot my phone at home. damn it.

they did a lot of their hits... brass monkey, shake your rump, so whatcha want, paul revere... can't think right now... they did quite a few songs. only a few from their newest album.

mix master mike was great as usual. i love when the beastie boys are doing their own songs over other people's beats... they fucked up a few times, but it was still a good concert.

in the middle of the concert, they had on some light colored tuxes and they were playing the drums, bass, guitar... funk soul brothers. i couldn't tell who was playing what because i'm short. maybe steve knows...

they did 3 encores. for the first one, they went up into the stands. they said good night, but then they were back on the stage for encores 2 and 3. the third was dedicated to george bush and they sang sabotage... listen all y'all it's a sabotage!

they didn't go off on their political rants as they did when we saw them at coachella. they played the will ferrell as george bush commercial... but other than that, not much else.

at any rate, if you get a chance to see them, and you are a fan, go. you won't regret it...


i noticed that the older i get, the more claustrophic i get. when we went to the hollywood bowl several weeks ago, we were in this tunnel (it's a walkway that takes you from the parking lot to the bowl). i was hyperventilating and tears were streaming down my face. it took all the self-control i had (which isn't really saying much, i guess...) to stay calm and get through that damned tunnel. it was packed with hot and sweaty people... i almost lost it. i wanted to push past everyone and scream, "goddamnit, mother fuckers! get the fuck out of my way! sons of whores! move your asses!" we got out to fresh air just in time... and i was still having a hard time breathing and my eyes were still watering and i was all light-headed. not fun.

things like that never used to bother me. i used to like going to concerts and such and being smushed like a sardine in a can. i just can't deal with it anymore. so, last night, we're near the back because i couldn't see that well anyway and i wanted to be able to breathe. but still, it was fairly humid in there and it just smelled like sweaty people. i was okay for about a half hour and then i had to move to the way back just so i could breathe. steve likes to be way in the front in the middle of the action, so he had to suffer a little bit. poor guy.

what's with this claustrophobia? is it really claustrophobia? i don't know...

goddamn it. why does blogger hate me?

anyone know how to fix my fucked up site? son of a...

unfortunately, i'm not computer savvy enough to figure this shit out...


what is it with the name mike?

got an IM from another mike today.

he was really cool, too... maybe it's in the name?

you gotta fight... for your right!!!!

to paaaaaaaaaaaaaaarty!

we're going to see the beastie boys tonight... my favorite album of their's is paul's boutique. it's definitely their most creative album in my opinion...

i'm gonna shake my rump-ah...

aron ralston, we salute you

this morning at the gym, while i was riding the bike, i was watching american morning on cnn. i never watch tv except when i'm at the gym and i don't have any mags to read....

at any rate, aron ralston gets on the show... and i know this is old news (all about him and the 800 pound boulder and the chopping off of his own arm), but... damn. i still can't believe he cut off his own arm. his own arm. good lord. and then goes on to explain how you can't really chop through the bone... you need a bonesaw or something. so he broke it. he had to cut through nerves and shit. without any drugs or anesthesia.

and then he rappelled down a cliff and hiked 5 or 6 miles or something crazy like that...

and in his interview, he seemed so damned humble. like he hadn't done anything great or utterly manly.

apparently, he is back to doing all the shit he was doing before. i hope he remembers to take a buddy next time he goes climbing. heh.

anyway, it got me thinking... does something drastic like that need to happen for me to appreciate my own life and the people in my life? i dislike 90+% of all people i come into contact with... just their lack of intelligence irritates me and i find it extremely difficult to be civil.

even though bad things happen to me on occasion, does something horrible need to happen where i will have a daily physical reminder to appreciate people?

he said he had this great epiphany after he was free of the rock. he felt euphoric. i think if i had to chop off my own arm, i would be whining and crying about how i was missing a limb. i think i'd be so depressed without my right arm. especially since i'm so dominantly right-handed... i'd be such a goddamned crybaby and i'd expect everyone to take care of me. that's how selfish i really am.

i don't think i could do it. i really don't. i think i'd just stay there and die. talk about guts.

eh, i'm sure i'll get over it in about 5, 4, 3, 2... eh, okay. i'm better now.

oh, no they didn't!

are they shitting me? seriously... this is just going too far.

and i checked pricing... it's like $3/bottle. wtf?

my favorite love (or lovesick) song lines

It gets better and better as it gets wetter and wetter
Sea of Sin know where you've been but I don't care
~Depeche Mode

I wanna fuck you like an animal
~Nine Inch Nails

I suck my tongue, in remembrance of you

In time, the Rockies may tumble
Gibraltar may crumble
They're only made of clay
But, our love is here to stay
~Louie Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald version

And if a double decker bus crashes into us
To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die
~The Smiths

last night

we went to beverages and more... (bevmo!) we dropped more than $100 on alcohol. yeah, we're going to have a good bbq this weekend. hehe..


steve got a package from his friend who lives in texas. this package had multiple cd's in there. one of them happened to be called christian's mix (christian's his son's name). his son is probably about ... 6 or 7? i'm not sure. i can never tell. anyway, he had good songs on there! i can only imagine that christian picked these songs out himself... he had kinky's "Mas" and basement jaxx's "Do Your Thing" on there... and other stuff. i can't remember now... but kinky! and basement jaxx! man, if/when we have kids, i hope they turn out as cool as christian.


while making dinner, we listened to disc 1 of palookaville by norman cook, aka fatboy slim. for some reason, whenever i listen to his happy, housey beats, i just want to go to the beach and run around topless with my other topless european friends. oh, i'd have to be in europe, though. i'm not sure why. maybe this has something to do with it.

oh, and the last song on disc 1 is bootsy collins singing the joker... yeah. you gotta hear it.


watched ghost in the shell 2: innocence last night. maybe it was just too deep for me or something... i dunno. i couldn't get into it. i fell asleep and missed the last half hour or so. now i'm really confused about what was going on. apparently, you need to stay awake for the whole thing. or maybe it was the 2 glasses of wine i had. i'm a lightweight. heh.

the animation was amazing, of course. cute ass little dog in the movie. steve said that it's the director's dog. kawaii!

but, if you're a fan of the ghost in the shell series (anime and manga) i'm sure you will just LOVE this movie. i like the series, but i'm not addicted to it or anything.


afterwards, i got bored, so i asked steve to take me porn surfing. man, what a let down! obviously everyone's going for quantity over quality. either that, or steve was saving the good stuff for himself and holding back or something.

and what's up with all the freaky fetishes! damn. maybe i'm naive, but i had no idea there were so damn many! my god!

anyway, we ended up at kobe tai's page. now, we've met her at a signing/photo opp at spanky's our neighborhood porn store. see the pic? this may be one of steve's proudest moments. (and let me explain why i look so haggard. we spent all day running around and riding bikes all over catalina island that day and on our way home, we picked up an OC Weekly and saw she was there. it was a spur of the moment thing. no really, it was.)

the point of this is... her official site lists her as being 5'3" and 90 lbs. i believe the 90 lbs, but 5'3"??? PUH-LEAZE! i'm leaning over a little and she's standing straight up. i've got sneakers on. she was wearing these huge platform, come-fuck-me shoes and we're about the same height. there's NO WAY she's taller than me! her heels were at least 3 or 4 inches tall! she's gotta be under 5'0". yeah! so there!


pikmin 2

pikmin has got to be one of the cutest games ever... it's fun and cute, so the bad guys don't seem so scary... but i'm stuck now...

i'm supposed to be playing tonight so steve can review it for the mag he writes for, but i don't know if i can go on. i should look for a walkthrough. the only problem with me having a walkthrough is that i stop playing the game and i start following the walkthrough.

anyway, pikmin's pretty quirky... they're like half little animals and half plants... never mind. if it sounds crazy... it is. but, we all know the japanese come up with some crazy ass games. my only complaint is that they said that pikmin would be 2 player co-op, but i haven't seen that option... what's up with that? damn.

uuufff... steve may have to play it for me...

now, why couldn't i have been born funny?

margaret cho's my idol. and i love her political rants, too.

on my way to the restroom...

i saw three people with those blue and white foot cast shoe things on...

wtf? what are these people doing? they must be getting invited to some insane moshpit party or something.

damn these WASPy repubs... hoarding all the fun.

i'm just pooped today.

today is awful. i can't concentrate at all. just finished a 60 page presentation in 35 minutes. it's a friggin' record. for me, at least.

highlights of my day:

lunchtime nap
IM'ing mike. what a great guy...

he's 16, but damn. he seems more mature than any 16 year old i know (like my brother). i'd rather have him for a bro than my own. sad, huh?

so, i'm trying to get my sister to talk to him. yes, i realize i'm pimping her out. she's 17 and she's just a much nicer version of me. my opposite, really. hehe...

his love for hentai. hehehe
her reading my blog. she doesn't need to know how frustrated and hateful i can be. hehe. i guess i baby her a little.

at any rate, if nothing else, at least they can talk about anime and manga together.

bubba ho-tep

before the weekend's drama began, we finally got around to watching bubba ho-tep. what a great movie. what a fantastic screenplay...

here's the gist of the story, elvis isn't dead. he's living in a crappy ass rest home in east texas. he switched places with the greatest elvis impersonator... sebastian haff. sebastian dies and everyone thinks elvis died.

a mummy from an egyptian museum tour gets stolen. the mummy's been living off of old people's souls for who knows how long. easy pickin's.

elvis and his friend jack (a black man who believes he's john f. kennedy) work together to fight off the mummy. mummy bites the dust. thanks, elvis!

i thought bruce campbell did a great job as the king.

sounds crazy, but it was seriously laugh out loud funny... not in a slapstick comedy way... but, yeah, never mind. watch it, if you haven't watched it.

stupid meetings...

so, i get called into a "meeting." the only reason why they wanted me there was so i could make them a chart from excel because they're too stupid to figure it out.

i don't always know exactly how to do stuff off the top of my head, but i'll mess around with excel until i figure it out.

they're just too lazy to do it...

oooh... but it's already 11:50... and i did a whole lotta nuthin' all morning. and it's almost lunchtime. woohooo!

the most stressful weekend ever.

my bro got sent to a boarding school because he needed structure in his life. this is putting it mildly. anyway, he's a spoiled brat and he is an ingrate. enough said.

his school (located in mexico) just got shut down by the mexican government... what, were they running it illegally or something? i mean, wtf is wrong with them?

at least my parents won't lose all their money. now they need to get him to iowa. he's going to fight them every step of the way. he's not going to want to go. uuufff. i don't know what they're going to do.

the above was written on saturday morning.

and here's the rest of the scoop. the people running these fine institutions were confused. everything was fucked up. no one knew what the hell was going on... everyone we talked to had different stories. the only thing we knew for certain was that my brother was leaving mexico.

first they told my parents that they needed to pick him up from mexico. then they said they should pick him up in san diego... and then from mexico, and then back at san diego.

i told my parents to stay at my place until they figured out exactly what was going on because if my parents go to mexico, we won't be able to get a hold of them since they won't have cell phone reception....

we wait... i yell a little bit on the phone to some woman that i'm convinced is getting kickbacks from one of the escort teams... not too stressful... the lady finally tells me that everything is taken care of and my brother will go directly from san diego to this school in iowa and that there's no need whatsoever for my parents to go down to see my brother...

and that's the way we wanted it. it would accomplish absolutely nothing if my parents and brother saw each other... not good for my parents' emotional states and for his mental state.

my parents wanted to just go home on saturday night, but i told them to spend the night and then leave in the morning... so, they stayed, steve screened "hero" for them... everything was hunky dory....

7am on sunday, my dad gets a call from the "transport team." they say they're escorting my brother and a girl to the school in iowa and they're leaving "right now." so, we assume everything's fine. 2 or 3 hours later, we get a call from the owner of the company that runs the transport team. they're not taking my brother anywhere until my parents go down there and sign some contracts. i friggin' lose it on the phone... i'm trying to reason with him and i tell him that we'll fax it on monday, blah, blah, blah... and he's just adamant... and then i realize that it's about the money. so, i ask him, point blank, if this is about the money. "you have to understand our position... we don't want to transfer him without the cash in hand... 4 other parents jumped ship and we don't want to move him and then not have you pay us."


so, we decide we're going down to san diego and try to figure out what's going on. the bitch who i think is getting kickbacks is calling me, telling me that we HAVE to go with this company and they're the only transfer company, etc...

then where the fuck are the other 300 or so kids???? they're saying my brother is the only one left. son of a...

so, we go down to san diego. it's fucking chaos there. and there's NO ONE in charge. nobody. there are some cops there. they don't know shit. there are "parent volunteers." shitloads of them. and they're all stupid, too... i spent about 4 hours screaming at people trying to figure out what the fuck is going on who the fuck i'm supposed to talk to....

and the transport team finds me. they're super nice (unlike their boss) and he tells me that there are 3 or 4 escorting teams there. so we find the cheapest ones... and he's off.

there's just so much more to say about the incompetence of these people... but i'm too fucking tired... it was just a very, very stressful day... what with my parents being all emotional instead of being strong... my brother swinging from mood to mood... crying, screaming, pleading, crying, begging, yelling... it was godawful. trying to convince us that he's changed. yeah. i don't think so.

he hasn't even changed on the outside, how can we believe that he's changed on the inside??? he comes out in a holey ass t-shirt and his pj pants. wtf? the other kids are in their uniforms, or clean clothes, at least... they all have their shit with them... he has NOTHING. all the stupid shit my mom sent along with him was gone. because he left it all there. because he was so certain that my parents were going to take him home. and man, if i wasn't there (yes, i'm patting myself on the back) they would've brought him home. what a buncha softies my parents are.

it's a good thing my mom brought along extra boxers and t-shirts... he looked a friggin' mess. i mean, come on. you leave your shit there??? what a fuckup... and then he says to me, "well, you don't know what it's like... they locked down the building, i had my shit everywhere and i couldn't get back in to get it." "yeah, you're right. i don't know what it's like. all i see is that every other kid here has their shit. so you're saying they singled you out?" and then he tells my mom, "i had everything all packed up and ready to go and then i left for a minute to use the bathroom and then everything was locked up and they made me leave."

good god. there are so many things ... i'm not even scratching the surface... too emotional... too stressful... and my throat is hoarse. which means i don't get to yell at the stupid people i work with. guess i'm not answering the phone. i can't even organize my thoughts today. too tired.

i think everyone will rest easier once my parents get notified that my brother is there at the school and admitted. his stupidity astounds me.