hannah

it's crazy. i had a dream about hannah last night... yet another nightmare on my college campus. wtf. although, it would make sense because we went to college together.

hannah and i had known each other since we were three... ish. she is half a year older than me. we grew up together in NY. we thought we were best friends. what the fuck did we know. we were young and stupid. even after i moved out to the west coast, she and i stayed in constant contact... we thought we knew each other.

my sophomore year of college, she transfers to my school. imagine my excitement. i did everything for her. we hung out ALL THE TIME. i drove her around when i had a car, when i didn't, we would borrow someone else's... we'd go raise hell together. it was fun. my friends embraced her because she was my friend. we were inseparable.

we were both 20. however, she looked much older. (we'd go into bars and she'd tell them it was okay to let me in because i was her slightly younger sister. or she'd say, "but, she and i are the same age." and they'd let me in, assuming she was much older...)

because she looked older, my psycho ex (i will refer to him as Psycho from here on out) found it very easy to take her to bars and such with him and leave me home (at the dorm), even though i never had a problem getting into bars. just his excuse to be with her, i guess.

my dorm was very strict and it was impossible to get out at night. the basement was basically at ground level, so jumping out of the window was out of the question. she was on the first floor of her dorm. she could sneak out whenever she wanted. (my college was fucked up. very strict. very stupid.)

i asked her to stop hanging out with psycho (you see, my relationship with Psycho was already too far gone. i couldn't get out. so the least i could do was do some damage control on the rumors flying around), but she didn't give a fuck. she still hung out with him whenever she could.

Psycho and hannah became fast "friends." i got the impression that they were sleeping together (duh) but i had no real evidence of it. i mean, hannah had been kind of avoiding me. and when we did run into each other, she would avoid eye contact, give me one word answers, things like that... but nothing concrete.

finally i confronted Psycho about it. he admitted to it. he said it only happened twice and it wasn't that good, blah, blah, blah. so i asked him, "so you had to sleep with her a second time to make sure that it sucked?" he was speechless. he apologized and begged for forgiveness. i knew he was only doing this because he'd been caught.

i called up hannah, asked to meet her somewhere like i knew nothing about it. she had no reason to not meet me. then i took her into the woods and beat her with a baseball bat. just kidding. i wish. *sigh* anyway, i met her and we talked and then i just busted it out, "so, are you sleeping with Psycho?" immediately, she looks away and says, "no."

me: look at me and tell me that you haven't. if you say you haven't, i'll believe you. i just need to hear you say it.
h: (looking straight at me) i would never do that to you. you're my best friend. you know i love you.
me: okay... well, thanks for the smoke... i have to go study.
h: okay, bye! (all chipper and shit)

the next day, i get a call from her. apparently, Psycho told her that he 'fessed up. she wants to meet for a smoke. i agree.

h: i couldn't sleep last night
g: why's that?
h: i couldn't live with myself knowing i had lied to you.
g: about?
h: *sigh* i did sleep with Psycho.
g: (trying to act shocked) really....
h: yeah... i don't know why... it just... happened.
g: .......
h: it only happened once. it'll never happen again.
g: only once?
h: yeah. only once. i don't know what came over me...
g: i need to be alone, okay?
h: yeah, i understand...

i didn't talk to her through the end of the school year... (only about 2 weeks or so) she avoided me, i avoided her. she and Psycho still hung out a lot... Psycho still hung out with me... i was a wreck. he just didn't get it. he thought because he confessed to me, everything should be okay. but it wasn't. and it wasn't about him, like he'd thought.

she mailed me a letter later on in the summer. it read:

dear grace,

i don't even know how to begin to apologize to you... i don't know why i did that ... why i did it with Psycho, least of all why i did it to you. i will never forgive myself if i lose our friendship over this.

blah, blah, blah. 5 pages of bullshit. and that's the only part of the letter i remember. i never responded.

i know she's gotten over it. i'm sure she's forgiven herself a long time ago.

several years back, some friends of mine saw her in san francisco with Psycho. i'm sure he flew her out. i'm sure they're not together. she thinks she's too smart to fall into that trap. they'd be perfect for each other. that would be my perfect ending. they deserve each other.

no one has ever broken my heart the way hannah broke my heart. no boyfriend could ever hurt me the way she hurt me. even when i was with Psycho and he was kicking the shit out of me, it didn't hurt as bad as it did when she looked me right in the eye and told me she loved me. it literally felt like i was getting stabbed in the heart. not that i know what that really feels like, but it's what i imagine it would feel like...

it still hurts thinking about it.

in my dream, she tried to take my new kickass purse. i had to kick her ass. i thought i'd be happier about the dream, but it bothered me. not that i want her for a friend or anything. i guess i need to learn to let things go.

when i go to NY this weekend, part of me wants to see her... rub it in her face... but, i know that would do no good... maybe if i thought she had a conscience and would feel so guilty she'd jump off the brooklyn bridge, i would do it... but, i doubt she'd give it a second of thought. plus, she'd probably tell Psycho she saw me... *sigh*