Nina's Post
nina's post had to do with tattoos... but there was something in it that i had to write about.
she mentioned that she's first generation ukranian and lost her last name because she wasn't going to hyphenate it.
i haven't changed my last name yet. i think i will... if/when we have kids... but here is my problem.
changing my last name is huge for me. i mean, this is who i've been for 27 years now. if i change my last name, it's a whole other identity... there's no history... i don't want to hyphenate it, either... and i feel weird about losing my last name.
people have said to me, "well, you got married and you are starting your life together as a family so you should have the same last name and start a new life together, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah." i guess they have a point. i just don't know why it's so hard for me.
why can't they change their last names?
i get teased at least twice a week about this. people say, "oh, are you just waiting to make sure this all works out?" come to think of it, only men say that to me.
some of the women ask me when i'm going to change it or tell me to "just hyphenate it!"
the divorced women all have that, "you go, girl!" attitude when they find out i haven't changed my last name. believe me, i'm not trying to make a statement. it's just really hard for me.
i should change it. i mean, steve has changed me for the better... when i say that, i don't mean he's changed me, literally. i mean, he makes me want to be a better person and i strive to be a better person because of him.
but it's hard. i think about it at least once a day.
i told him i'll change it when we have kids. he says he doesn't care. i wonder if part of him does care, though?
*sigh*
posted by grace @ 8:54 AM
6 Comments:
I say change it. Nina and I had this debate when we were engaged. She didn't necesarily want to lose her name, but she also wanted mine. And I agree, hyphenating just bites.
As an exercise, start signing any unofficial documents (letters, emails, website memberships) with Steve's last name. Try it out, see how it makes you feel.
My sister changed her birth name to our mother's maiden name when she turned 18. (I'm doing the same now...late bloomer). Anyway, she's been happily married for 13 years and has kept our family name.
They just had their first baby and the baby has our family name, but his middle name is his father's name. A portion of the logic is that my sister and I are the remaining breeding members of our line, so we're preserving our family name. The other thing my sister says is, "I paid for my name ($70 to legally change your name in Florida), I'm going ot keep it."
M: i do sign my name with his on websites and stuff... i was trying to get used to it...
it's still weird, though. i don't know how it makes me feel, though. i'm guessing by the time we have kids, i'll get used to it. i hope.
A: that's cool... but, steve's the only child. our kids will have his family name.
yeah, it is a tough call. even though i'm not married yet, i have thought about that, too. for some inter-racial/inter-ethnic couples, the hyphen seems to work as a compromise. personally i think the hyphenated name looks odd, especially if one person has an ethnic-sounding name.
i want to keep my own name after marriage. i don't want to be identified under an anglo name. of course i could always dump the boyfriend and find a korean guy w/ the same last name. but i don't think the boyfriend would let that happen. :)
I too had MAJOR identity issues with changing my last name. I didn't want to AT ALL. P said that if the ring was good enough, then so was his name. I tried to explain that it wasn't about his name not being good enough, it was about me being me for the past 26 years. He pretty much said that if I didn't change my name, he wasn't going to marry me...Hmmm...you'd of thought that would have been a HUGE sign!
Chris and I have talked about the whole changing/hyphenating ordeal before... But here's the thing: I'm Vietnamese (last name Nguyen) and he's Mexican (last name Ruiz). I just got used to dealing with the whole Vietnamese racism thing. Am I really ready for the whole Mexican racism deal? - much less a Viet AND Mex racism combo... I think I'll keep my own... Besides, my first name and last name rhyme ;)
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