9.21.2004

why do my ex-boyfriends hate me?

it's not MY fault they wanted to get married ... when i was between the ages of 17-21.

i always thought we broke up on good terms or it was his damn fault... but they hate me. eh, fuck them.

as far as i'm concerned only 2 of them have a right to hate me. i would like to apologize to them, but i think that i want to apologize for selfish reasons. it wouldn't make them feel better... just me. and i'm the only person who matters! me! me! me!

G
he was a nice guy. he was there to pick up all my pieces after i left Psycho. he let me stay with him because i had nowhere to go, he listened to me cry and have complete breakdowns. he cooked for me, he bought me cool books. but, he was also 36 when i was 21 (maybe i was 22) and i was a fucked up mess.

he also fell in love with me when i specifically told him we were supposed to be (fuck)friends and (fuck)friends only. i know this because he got drunk and he tried to wake me up to tell me he loved me. i pretended i was still asleep. he still told me. idiot.

and then he got all jealous one time and i had to stop talking to him because of it. he thought it was because jules didn't like him. that may have had a (very) little bit to do with it. but, it was mostly because he couldn't control his emotions.

he did have a very cute irish accent. and cute irish friends. who, by the way, were the worst friends ever. they were always slipping me their business cards and telling me, "let's not tell our boy, G, about this."

after i told him i never wanted to see him or speak to him ever again, he kept on calling me. it was sad. almost desperate. which made me hate him more. at any rate, i ended the relationship in a way that was rude and he didn't deserve that.

J
also a very nice guy. i cheated on him with my ex-boyfriend. apparently, J was just a rebound for me... but what the fuck did i know? i was 18 or 19 or something like that. i really thought i liked him. until the ex came back around and i realized that i didn't really like J, after all.

that was a very messy breakup. also, i think J ended up hating my ex... who coincidentally, is the only ex who will have anything to do with me. i would use his initial, but it is also J. which makes it confusing.

also, J had a cock the size of a baby carrot. hard. i shit you not. whoever said size doesn't matter is a lying son of a whore jackass. funny because his nickname in high school was the italian stallion. i'm not sure how that's possible. false advertising, i tell you.

also, we were both each other's second person we ever had sex with. neither one of us knew wtf we were doing.

i literally cried after xmas break when i had to go to his place because i just didn't want to see him. that's so wrong. so much could've been avoided if i just told him he was a rebound. it's too bad i didn't know it until it was too late. what an idiot i was. (and still am, on occasion.)

at any rate, i'd like to apologize to both G and J. if i could, i'd tell them:

i didn't mean to hurt your feelings and i certainly didn't mean to be such a bitch to you. i just didn't know any better. i'm so sorry for being so ignorant and insensitive. i hope you can forgive me for being young and stupid.

and all my other ex-boyfriends can go fuck themselves. except for jonny because he's still my friend. even though we have a history together and things weren't always friendly between us, i'm glad we finally got past all that and we can just be cool now. and i'm happy that he got himself a girlfriend who treats him well. and he's glad that steve took one for the team and saved men all over the world from my high-heeled heart stomping.

(this post is dedicated to steve, for loving me despite my fuckedupedness and stupidity.)

10 Comments:

Blogger Quyen said...

It's just interesting what happens when you look back on old relationships and work out in your head what went so right and what went so very wrong. Kudos to you for having the compassion and maturity to make a public apology, even if they won't ever read it :)

11:59 AM  
Blogger Anon said...

The Italian Stallion was a pretty small guy from what the tabloids report... maybe that's why he got the nickname!

1:10 PM  
Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

The funny thing is, they probably don't care as much as you think they do. I'm not trying to be a dick here, I've just come to realize that if I can forget about and get over the shitty things that have been done to me, than a guy most likely has no trouble at all with it. Besides, everyone is like that at that age. Don't feel bad.

1:13 PM  
Blogger Mike said...

Yeah fuhgetaboudit. If I had to apologize to all the chicks I dogged out in those years, I'd go hoarse. But it is a good thing to get it out there.

However, you have to remember that these guys knew who you were and they tried to work around it. Most of us have it coming.

1:33 PM  
Blogger Kis Lee said...

baby carrot...sigh, that's just sad.

I don't know if any of my ex-bfs hate me. Never kept in touch with any of them.

2:12 PM  
Blogger genetic mishap said...

"and all my other ex-boyfriends can go fuck themselves."

Best. Blogline. Ever.

4:20 PM  
Blogger grace said...

yeah, i know. it's presumptuous and self-centered of me to think they even care anymore. i know they don't. but, it's all about making me feel better. me! me! me! :)

5:09 PM  
Blogger David said...

I know someone else who also likes to say "me, me, me it's all about me!"

I guess I should start believing you in that thing you told me: "girls are evil."

LOL.

6:57 AM  
Blogger The Hobo said...

I feel sorry for the small cock guy, and all small cock guys in general. Genetics can sometimes be cruel. And unlike flat-chested girls there's fuck all they can do about it: after all, there's no such thing as silicone for the dick!

9:02 AM  
Blogger Amber_sun said...

wow gracie, you were the queen "mack" mama! All of my exes need to apologize to me for taking their crap. Okay there may be one or two in there that I treated a bit crappy but hell they're rich and successful now so they've forgotten. Although one of these guys called himself getting payback by emailing me his wedding photos. whatta LOSER! ;p

11:34 AM  

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