so... i have no title for this... because... well, this post is going to suck.

as i'm busy freaking out on people, my dad sends me an email. at the very bottom, it says:

PS... sorry for making you feel bad yesterday about the blood types for your aunt. your poor aunt. she can't contact dan and lonna [those are her kids]. she will not die right now, but i don't think she'll live long. i wanted to find her blood to show her that her family loves her. however, she decided to take the blood from the blood bank, so we don't have to donate our blood to her. we will go visit her this weekend. i'm sorry that i bother you so often.

okay. i'm officially a fucking asshole. yesterday, he called me and i was really busy. he kept on asking me what my blood type was, steve's blood type, our cousin's ben's blood type... i only knew mine. A+. i don't know anyone else's. and i told him that and said i had to go.... i didn't even ask him why.

what the fuck is wrong with me? it never even crossed my damned mind that someone might need the blood... why do i even care about work? fuck. i need to take some time to prioritize my life. i hate work, but i'm blindly devoted to it. what the fuck is wrong with me???

you know, my aunt can't catch a fucking break. 5 years ago, her husband died in a car accident. 3 years later, her son dies (joe), afterwards, she finds love and gets remarried, only to have her other children stop talking to her because of it... she has no one. and i was hoping that she could at least be happy with her new family... and now she doesn't even have her health?

she's a good woman. a christian woman. she doesn't deserve this. how can one woman suffer so much loss and still be a devout christian? i don't know. i lost my faith a long time ago. i think i had it bad because i lost my sister, my grandma, my grandpa, my favorite uncle, my favorite cousin... how much worse to lose your mother, your father, your husband, your son... and your other 2 children, as well? i think that the loss of the other 2 children must've hurt more than any other.... they chose to hate her and put her out of their lives. although, i don't really blame lonna. dan's rather manipulative... and much older than she is... i feel sorry for her..... i emailed her. i really hope she calls me... i hope dan's not reading her email. i hope she calls me...

at any rate, i would say pray for her, but i don't think that's going to help.


Blogger Amber_sun said...

Whether you think it's going to help or not, I am going to pray for your aunt and for you too. I am going to pray for healing (inside and out) and for peace for both of you. And stop beating up on yourself, Gracie. You can't be responsible for everything in the world. We're all a--holes at times and we're all angels at other times. You punish yourself far too much! I give you permission to call yourself an asshole when you just stop caring altogether. :p

2:26 PM  
Blogger Kis Lee said...

well, a prayer can't hurt. for a lot of people, it's the act of praying that provides comfort. I've met several people who felt that prayer helped them get through a long illness.

sorry about your aunt. hope she gets better.

2:42 PM  
Blogger smirkybrat said...

Prayer definitely doesn't hurt! I think I've lost my faith pretty much as well, but then again maybe I haven't.

The way I was raised and told that God never leaves, WE'RE the ones that leave. So if we go to HIM and ask for help and guidance, I'm sure He doesn't mind at all. Actually, He'd probably be happy that we actually took that time to meet Him again. And it does help to get the stress off your chest.

I've been through hell and back and I'm speaking from experience, not judgement.And I too am a fellow Korean American girl with issues...LOL! And I agree...you're beating yourself up too much...we ALL make mistakes in MANY moments of life! So keep smiling and maybe toss the "big guy" a few words...hope your aunt heals and you heal from your own wounds...take care!

4:26 PM  
Blogger grace said...

i don't know. seems kinda presumptuous to think that god would want to hear from me. regardless, whether there is one or not, i don't think he'd want to hear from me only when i have problems. i can see asking him for a favor now and then, but only when i have problems? that's just wrong. i wouldn't do that to a friend... why would i do that to a god?

5:06 PM  

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