bird shit

there's this fairly big ass pile of bird shit on our way to the garage. it's huge. it's like, 5 inches in diameter and maybe an inch high now.

what the hell? does that fucking bird never move from that spot? and i never see a bird there. it's probably one of those big ass crows. i hate them. sometimes they sit atop our chimney and scratch at it. and you can hear it echoing in the chimney. it's creepy. i swear they're coming to get us.

it's so damned nasty. i hate bird shit.

in high school once, a damned seagull shat in my hair and it dribbled down onto my backpack. it was so nasty. i didn't even know. i think i was sitting in biology class when the boy behind me, bobby, touched my hair and said, "what's that in your hair? paint?" i glanced at it and i couldn't figure it out until i looked down at my backpack. yup, white seagull shit.

i just mumbled, "uhm, yeah." and turned back around quickly. i was so mortified. i skipped the next class to run up to my dorm to take a shower.

fucking seagulls. to this day, i'm paranoid whenever i see a group of birds. in venice, in san marcos square (i think that's the name of it) there are a shitload of pigeons. people take pictures with them... oh, damn. i'm going to have to find one to post....

okay. so there it is. yeah. they put bird feed or something in their hands, and as the pigeons swarm all over them, they're supposed to kiss.

uh... NO. i don't see how that's supposed to be romantic. first of all, they're pigeons. pigeons are rats with wings. much like seagulls. second of all, you know one of them is going to shit on you. there's no way that you can have 50 birds (trust me, there were more coming) and not have any let one loose on you.

and bird shit's all gross and wet.

so i have issues. i can't help that i watched The Birds at an early age.

my parents were afraid i'd get lonely, so they got me parakeets. damn, they are annoying. they just chirp and cheep all friggin' day and night long. i liked them. until they shat on me, too. i hate birds.


Blogger David said...

Ok, so far there's a giant spieder, crows and seaguls who are coming to get you. Not counting Monkey the Bunny. Where do you live at???

Well at least I learned that "shat" is actually a word. I thought you made that up but I found it on the dictionary...

9:56 AM  
Blogger J. said...

I love how you switched from "shit" to "shat" in the middle of the post. That cracks me up.

I remember one morning many, many years ago, I'd had a disagreement with my ex. We were standing in the driveway and he had some sort of book open, I think it was about waterskiing cuz we were getting ready to go waterskiing that day. A bird flew overhead and launched a bird shit bomb and it landed right in the middle of his damn book.

I laughed so hard and he was soooo pissed.

10:04 AM  
Blogger J. said...

Oh! I just remembered another bird shit story.

I had an interview down in Scripps Ranch, which is known for all the Eucalyptus trees. I parked my car and went to put the top up. In the 5 seconds between parking and reaching for the top a bird in one of the trees shit and it landed on the top of my passenger seat.

Incidentally, I did get the job.

10:09 AM  
Blogger Mel Mega said...

I hear ya on the birds! They are disgusting little bug-filled creatures. And seeing Tippy Hendren pecked and bleeding definitely scarred me for life.

Now, I have been to Venice and been to Piazza San Marco and let me tell you...I didn't see one damn person doing that with the birds!! I myself stayed far away from them, as did every other person I saw. Of course, I was there in the off season so there weren't alot of tourists. I bet you the Italians think the Americans are crazy for playing with the dirty birds!!

10:59 AM  
Blogger Quyen said...

Yeah, I've been to Venice and the rest of Italy too and I don't remember ppl kissing with birds all around them... although, that reminds me of the bird woman from Mary Poppins hehe

12:08 PM  
Blogger Kis Lee said...

I'm with you. I hate pigeons, gulls, and especially crows. Every time I wash my car, I get bombarded by birdshit. It must be some kind of conspiracy.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Amber_sun said...

I used to be okay with birds until one flew super close to my face. All I could imagine was its pointy little I thought its pointy little beak was going to stab me in the side of my head. YIKES! Since then I duck and swoop (dig the word choice) when I see birds! ICK!

3:14 PM  

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