the sun's shining

the birds are singing, the weather's finally warmer...

and i'm still in a funk. i don't know what the deal is. maybe i need something to look forward to. i feel so ... i don't actually know. i just know that i'm down.

yesterday when i walked out of work, it wasn't raining. about halfway to my car, it starts drizzling. by the time i got to my car, it was really started to rain. i got inside and as soon as i slammed the door shut, it stopped raining.

if you've ever watched the smurfs, i kinda felt like gargamel when he's being chased by the rain cloud.

i still feel like that this morning. it's all nice and beautiful out, but i still feel like it's raining. fuck, the only thing i'm missing is the lightning bolts striking my ass. or maybe that's why my ass has been numb. stupid butt. i feel like cutting it off.

(btw, the reason why my butt's numb is because my chair is uncomfortable. i have one of those stupid ergonomic chairs and everything.)

everything makes me want to cry. i hit my shin last night and i thought i was going to lose it right there. but i held it together... barely... this morning i was sitting on the floor after i got my shoes on and just sat there. trying not to cry. i don't know what's wrong with me. it was just such a chore to get up out of bed. maybe i'll feel better later.

so, my apologies. i wish i could just say i'm being hormonal. but i'm not. i'm just down. and i have no fucking idea why. i wish i could just shake it off like other people... normal people... and be in a good mood because i have nothing to be depressed about. i entertained the thought that maybe i was down because my bday's coming up, but i thought about it and i don't really care.

steve, i'm sorry i'm like this. i can't help it. it's the bon blood, i guess. heh. :(