12.02.2004

a chat with the bro's counselor dude

i talk to my brother's counselor (known as a family rep) every 2 weeks.

the last few times i talked to him, the news was bad. i was finding shit about my brother i just did not want to know... i mean, i could deal with the drug use, even the sex with girls. okay, not really. but that's not MORTIFYING... i mean, it's bound to happen, right?

everything else, i just want to forget that i know. i couldn't even tell my parents. i had to email them because i have to tell them everything that FR and i talk about. and that just sucks...

thank god today wasn't that bad. if i found out one more thing about my brother, i would've died.

i don't know... what the fuck went wrong??? i remember how he was as a kid... and i can conjure up those pictures in my mind... and it's so different than how he is now... i miss his hugs and his smiles. i miss him telling me he loves me. i miss him coming to me and asking me for advice. i miss his little bowl hair cut. hehe... i miss his little drooly kisses on my face.. and how he used to hug my leg when he was little... and his husky little voice... i just... ugh...

at any rate, i felt kinda good today, though. the FR told me that he had given chris an email i'd sent with printouts of the pictures i'd attached and apparently, my bro had a big ol' shit eating grin on his face. possibly, he's selling them to other boys so they can masturbate to them and he's happy that he's going to make some money (or condiments or whatever it is that they barter over there) .... but, i'd like to think that he misses me. misses all of us.

i'm hoping he grows up to become a nice, mature young man. he can be nice... he's just seriously confused for some reason. i just hope he finds his way....

7 Comments:

Blogger Veronica said...

I'm so sorry about your brother. I think I'd go nuts myself if something like that was going on with one of my siblings.

I feel terrible that you have to go through this. I can only imagine how tough it is for you. I really hope everything works out and that he does find his way.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Quyen said...

I swear we live parallel lives... I can relate to what you must be going through... The people in my life turned themselves around; I'm sure your brother will too. Support him as best you can while he needs it the most. My sister came away from her experience knowing that family means everything in the world :) Wish you and your little bro the best :)

4:39 PM  
Blogger J. said...

I'm sorry, Grace ... :|

11:15 PM  
Blogger Yankeebob said...

I have a brother 2 years younger than me. When he was a teenager, he was sooo bad. Always in trouble. I decided I wouldn't let him think he was a lost cause to me. I ended up paying fines for him and helping him out a lot. The investment paid off. Now he is a very good family man with 4 kids, a nice home, a wife & steady job. He's someone I'm extremely proud to know, not just as my brother, but as a person.

You just can't predict what or if someone will decide they've had enough hardship in their lives and turn it around. Just hang in there, Grace. Maybe things will change for your brother too.

5:21 AM  
Blogger Anon said...

Grace,
I'll give ya a ((Hug))! My brother is also having issues. Although I don't know the background of your story, it seems very similar to my brothers. I miss him alot, and think of how he used to be often. When you went into details of his hugging your leg, it made me tear up. They were such litte cute buggers back then.

He's now in jail serving a slightly hefty sentence. He was suppose to get out before Christmas, but we figured that was a farce.

I'm with YankeeBob on his comment. Just don't give up on him. I tell my brother (when I can): when mom & Pop are gone, it's you and I; and I'm sure as hell not spending the rest of my life talking to you thru glass, so get your shit together so we can hang out again.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. :)

10:13 AM  
Blogger grace said...

thanks, guys...

i almost gave up on him... i said i did... but, after he went to that school and i went to that conference thing, i guess i changed my mind... heh...

can anyone even question why i don't want to have kids? i can't imagine my own child ripping my heart out the way my brother has...

11:03 AM  
Blogger s! said...

our prayers are with you, and your brother.. hang in there Grace :-)

6:55 AM  

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