a chat with the bro's counselor dude

i talk to my brother's counselor (known as a family rep) every 2 weeks.

the last few times i talked to him, the news was bad. i was finding shit about my brother i just did not want to know... i mean, i could deal with the drug use, even the sex with girls. okay, not really. but that's not MORTIFYING... i mean, it's bound to happen, right?

everything else, i just want to forget that i know. i couldn't even tell my parents. i had to email them because i have to tell them everything that FR and i talk about. and that just sucks...

thank god today wasn't that bad. if i found out one more thing about my brother, i would've died.

i don't know... what the fuck went wrong??? i remember how he was as a kid... and i can conjure up those pictures in my mind... and it's so different than how he is now... i miss his hugs and his smiles. i miss him telling me he loves me. i miss him coming to me and asking me for advice. i miss his little bowl hair cut. hehe... i miss his little drooly kisses on my face.. and how he used to hug my leg when he was little... and his husky little voice... i just... ugh...

at any rate, i felt kinda good today, though. the FR told me that he had given chris an email i'd sent with printouts of the pictures i'd attached and apparently, my bro had a big ol' shit eating grin on his face. possibly, he's selling them to other boys so they can masturbate to them and he's happy that he's going to make some money (or condiments or whatever it is that they barter over there) .... but, i'd like to think that he misses me. misses all of us.

i'm hoping he grows up to become a nice, mature young man. he can be nice... he's just seriously confused for some reason. i just hope he finds his way....