nervous breakdown

i think i have issues...

i'm all fucking stressed out. i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown... while i'm sitting here at work, in my uncomfortable, ergonomically incorrect chair.

i've been trying my best not to let it all get to me, but all of a sudden, when i realized i forgot to do something yesterday, it just hit me.

can't ever remember to do my own shit. it's always for other people. so when i do want to do something for myself, my brain doesn't have enough room to remember to do it.

so, what? it's inconsequential. it's stupid. not necessary at all. but i still wanted to do it. and i forgot. yeah, it's my own damned fault. that's what i get for always taking care of other people, i guess.

stupid guilty korean daughter syndrome.

*sigh*

it just sucks. i really feel like i'm going to cry. you know when you get that feeling in your head. feels like a pounding, but at the same time you feel lightheaded. and you're feeling choked up. and you don't want anyone to talk to you because you're afraid of crying... and your eyes are watering. and your mascara's threatening to run down your face. your face turns just a tad red. which makes all the people at work ask, "what's wrong? are you okay?" and your voice is all shaky... and you smile and say, "yeah. i'm fine." and you laugh a little to prove to them that you're okay. and they walk away with that look on their face like, "yeah right." and you know they're just going back to their cubicle to gossip about what you might be upset about.

no? you don't know that feeling? well, then, fuck you.

i feel like shit right now. i have a cold. and a headache. i am stressed out about spending 3 full days with the 'rents. i'm pissed that i'm losing my mind. i have all of these presentations and spreadsheets to do today since i'm going to be out tomorrow. my workstation is STILL not fixed... this monitor is killing my eyes. this keyboard is killing my wrists. my arm muscles have started twitching. this chair is making me slouch more than i already do.

why is this so fucking difficult????

we need to win the fucking lottery or something. i'm sure someone won already last night. they always do. rat bastards.

and you know, my parents are always depending on me. i can't tell them to fuck off. well, i could. but then i'd feel bad and kiss their ass, etc, etc, etc... is it so wrong to just wanna live my own damned life? i have my own family to take care of now. it's not always about them. and it's not that they're really selfish people. it's just that for some reason, they think they need me. and i don't believe they do. they're just used to having me around.

i should've been born a boy. i've always said that i've always had all the responsibilities of being a firstborn son and none of the benefits. and it's so true.

right now, i feel like standing on my chair, which would of course, be a bad idea because my chair has wheels... and screaming at the top of my lungs... which would also be a bad idea because i have a sore throat. i don't know what i'd scream. maybe something about monkey balls.

what's with my fascination with monkeys? they are cute... unless they're hurling feces at you.

i still want to cry. but then my face would be all puffy and the old hags here would gossip for sure. i really need that right now. old gossipy yentes.

i think i need some time off of work. like a month. go on stress leave or something. steve had an employee (was it someone who worked for him? or someone else? whatever.) once who was gone for weeks and weeks on stress leave. i need to work that out.

i feel like i can't deal with seeing these people anymore. day in and day out. i spend more time with these fools than people i actually care about.

maybe that's why i love the blog so much. i can't deal with people anymore. the screen just seems so much friendlier. not judgemental... won't talk shit about me behind my back. won't ask me to do anything that relates to my brother. will send me a reminder when i need to do something... if only i could remember to set reminders for myself. fuck.