the best day of my life

this is probably going to be my last post about psycho... there may be other ones, but none that are dedicated solely to him. i mean, it was a big chunk of my life and who i am now. at least i'm not all upset like i was yesterday.

(and for the record, i don't just call him psycho because i'm trying to protect his identity or anything like that. since i left him, his name has been psycho. calling him by his real name would make him more human somehow... and he really is a fucking monster.)

yesterday, i felt like my heart stopped and then someone chucked a friggin' encyclopedia at me and i didn't catch it and it just hit my chest or something. that lasted about 30 minutes. but then i decided that i wasn't going to let him get to me. there's no reason to let some stupid ass ruin my night... i mean, i get to leave work. it's happy time.

so here i am. back at work. and i'm not upset or freaked out or anything. i'm pissed. pissed that he thought he had the right to contact me.

warning: this is going to be a long ass post. it's mostly a catharsis for me...

so i'm going to blog about the best day of my life. hence the title.

rewind to october '99, i was in my last quarter of college. psycho and i were living together in a 2 bedroom house with a single mom and her two kids. it wasn't as bad as it sounds. kim was a great woman. her kids were adorable and well-behaved. she was sweet and she basically saved my life.

for months, i knew i didn't love him anymore. hell, i didn't even like him. but i had resigned myself to the fact that i was stuck with him forever. during that summer before school started again, i would go to work early and come home late because it was better than going home to him. and i didn't sleep much at night because all i could think about was how to get out of the relationship. i honestly didn't believe i could just leave him. i really thought that i would have to either kill him or kill myself. so all night long, i'd fantasize about ways to kill him and how to get rid of the evidence so they couldn't link it back to me. i probably got about 2 or 3 hours of sleep every night.

every day that summer, it was the same. i'd get up early, go to work, beg my boss there for more work, stay late, come home, make dinner, clean, go to bed, fantasize about killing him or myself, sleep for 2 to 3 hours... every fucking day. weekends were torture.

when school started again, it was a relief.

but, back to october '99. psycho had an operation to remove his large intestine due to ulcerative colitis. guess who got to deal with that whole fucking mess? guess who had to deal with shit coming out of his stomach into a colostomy bag because he was such a baby and freaked out at the sight of his own shit? yay. i got that job. it was fabulous. yeah.

at any rate, he came back from the hospital... and he and his friend, john (who is another piece of work. got a girl prego, doesn't pay child support, but i'm sure gets really drunk and says how much he loves his son...) decide to go to tahoe. getting a major surgery like that is traumatizing and they wanted to go for some fun.

i was so happy that he was leaving. unfortunately, the night before they were going to leave, he and i got into an argument. it was somewhat related to hannah and his cheating ways. we got into a pretty big fight. he ended up grabbing me and pushing me up against the stove (which was off, thankfully). he had his whole body weight (he's like 5'11" or 6'0", 220+ pounds. maybe 240. i really don't remember) on me and he had his elbow in my throat so i couldn't scream or anything. i could barely breathe. and i definitely couldn't move.

i barely croaked out, "KIM! KIM!" she must've been awake listening to the whole thing because she heard it. and she came out.

as soon as the door opened, psycho backed way up. he was probably 10-15 feet away from me. kim asked what was going on or something like that.

me: (i can still barely breathe... and my voice is all hoarse) he had me pushed up against...
psycho (interrupting): i don't know. she's lying. i don't know what she's talking about. she's crazy. she's crazy.
kim: uhm. okay...

and kim went back to bed. didn't say anything. and psycho looks at me. and i knew that unless i fixed it, he wasn't going to tahoe with his friend. so i groveled. i begged him for forgiveness. i told him i was sorry and baby, i love you... please forgive me.

he "forgave" me. bright and early saturday morning, he left for tahoe with john. i cried a lot that day. i felt completely beaten. finally sometime during the day, i was in the living room and kim came out and sat next to me. i cried and cried and told her that i wasn't crazy that i wasn't making it up...

and she looked at me and said, "i believe you. i saw those marks on your neck..." this of course, made me cry more. and then she said, "so, what do you want to do?" "i don't know. i don't know what to do... i can't do this anymore." "so, do you want to leave him?" "i can't. he'll come after me. he'll come after my family."

"no, he won't. he's just threatening you so you won't leave him."

and i had been so brainwashed, i couldn't even see that. i just kept on sobbing.

kim: before david, i was married to a very abusive man. he punched me in the face and broke my nose. he brought girls home and would have sex on the couch with them and if i came out, he'd introduce me to them as his sister. (the way kim said all this was very matter of fact. it wasn't a sob story at all.) he told me he would kill me if i ever left him... but i'm not dead yet.

none of my friends could understand me, so they couldn't help me. they didn't know where i was coming from. but kim... kim had been there... and it had been worse. and she got out alive.

me: but... i can't...
kim: yes, you can.
me: but i don't know what to do... i don't have any money (oh, psycho used to use all my money for the necessities and his money was for the fun stuff. so if i ever wanted to do anything, i'd have to ask him for money - as well as his permission)
kim: that's easy.
1) pack up his shit
2) move it into his car. whatever doesn't fit, we'll put in the garage
3) change your home number
4) change your pager number (that's right. i only had a pager back then. no cell phone)
5) we'll change all the locks to the house. we'll have david (she was separated from david, her second husband who was not abusive, and they were still on speaking terms) come over and make sure he doesn't try to break in
6) don't worry about rent. i'll take care of it this month
7) as soon as we're done, i'll take you to a friend's house and you can stay there for a bit until things calm down here.

me: but, he'll call me. he'll know if i changed my numbers.
kim: then wait until he's on his way back from tahoe.
me: what if he comes up to school?
kim: he won't do anything in public. just make sure you're never alone.
me: what if he blames you? won't work be awkward? (they were co-workers)
kim: he won't do anything to me. he could say something to me. but he won't hurt me because I'M NOT YOU. what can he do to me that hasn't already been done, anyway?

me: ... ... ...
kim: come on, i'll help you pack.

i was so beaten down by him that i had no idea how to do things anymore. i didn't know how to make my own decisions anymore. i was an emotional wreck...

so, we packed up all his shit. crammed as much of it in his car as possible. the rest we stuffed in the garage. he called. i acted normal. i burned every single picture and every single negative that he had of me. i packed up the ugly engagement ring he'd given me. people still say i should've sold it, but for one, it wouldn't have gotten me much money, anyway and two, i didn't want him even thinking for a second that i might've kept it for sentimental reasons.

sunday morning, i got a call from my parents. my uncle had just died... i cried a little bit... but it just made me pack faster. heh. he was my favorite uncle and i still love him very much... and i know it would've killed him had he known what i had been going through. and i said to myself and to kim: life's too short for this bullshit... i need to get out of this...

kim drove me to a friend's house in st. helena. he didn't know about this friend. it was a co-worker i had... and i was free. i still technically lived with kim until december. i didn't spend much time there because i didn't want him to be stalking me outside of the home. didn't want to traumatize her kids. i saw him once there. i wouldn't open the door for him. he was begging and yelling... i just showed him the phone and showed him that i was dialing 911. he took off pretty quickly.

i've tried calling kim multiple times since i've been down here. i always get the answering machine. these days it's a different message. she may have moved away. it sucks because i owe this woman my life. and i can't even thank her... and let her know that i'm doing well. and i'm happy now... had i stayed with psycho, i think i would've killed myself. i don't know if i would've killed him first or not, but i would've died. i haven't a doubt in my mind.

so, kim... wherever you are... words can not express how much i owe you and how much i have to thank you for.