talk about ripping them a new one...

i copied this from an email i got forwarded. dunno if it's true or not. if it is, it's pretty damned funny. supposedly from a group called the waxwings regarding their record release show:

Dean, Kevin, Dom & Jim,

Your "Record Release" show was an absolute embarrassment! Every single aspect of that show was chump! I CANNOT fucking believe that you did not take that show seriously!!! That was your RECORD RELEASE show! Let me say that again . . . THAT WAS YOUR FUCKING RECORD RELEASE SHOW!!! IN YOUR HOME FUCKING TOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was your FIRST show putting your new record on a platform! AND AT HOME!!!

Your set was flat out HORRIBLE! Unrehearsed and sloppy. How the fuck can that show have not been so important??? You were an embarrassment to me AND to yourselves! YOU HAD MONTHS TO MAKE THAT THE BEST FUCKIN SHOW YOU HAVE EVER PLAYED!!! AND don't give me none of that bulllllllshit about Jim's wrist. He could have been playing only the kick drum and shaker during rehearsals. You had MONTHS to knock the fuck out of the people at that show. Instead you perform like a fuckin' half ass cover band! You play to ONLY 300 people at your home town RECORD RELEASE show and 80% of them were at the bar in the back by the end of your set, if in the building at all! AND this is ALSO the VERY FIRST DAY any of your family, friends and fans can see your record . . . and you ONLY SELL 30 COPIES????!!!!!!!!! What the fuck is that!!!! Your set was so fuckin' bad, that only 30 out of 300 people wanted to own your new record after what they just saw!!! I’d also bet money that most of those people bought your cd BEFORE the show!

Your set was not even close to tight! And you think you should be getting the attention The White Stripes get?? What a fuckin' JOKE!!! What you did that night was the furthest thing from Rock 'n Roll I have EVER witnessed in ALL my years in this business!!! How you could not take that show seriously absolutely baffles me! You want your artistic freedom? Fine, then show me whatcha got and lay it the fuck on me . . . instead I stood there DISGUSTED!!! This is the band I spent over $200,000 on of MY MONEY?? When I ONLY had to spend $20,000??? Not to mention the fuckin number of hours I have spent mentoring you!!!

Strike 1: Soundman!
You are having your RECORD RELEASE show in your HOME town! Did it ever occur to you boys that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE it would be WISE to choose a soundman that actually KNOWS your record??? The one that you just finished??? He made you guys sound like SHIT!!! EVERY SINGLE thing was EQ'd and mixed wrong! Starting with NO REVERB on any vocals!!! Any fucking band that can sing with no reverb??? Not to mention, he made your voices sound all wrong. Dom's vocal was EQ'd way too bright, Dean's as usual sounded like mud, Kevin were you just mouthing the words up there?? Then Dean, you are playing an amp that sounds like shit! Your fuckin' AC30 is the ONLY amp you should play in my opinion! Don't give me the fuckin' schematics of it either! Get the fuckin' thing fixed! Kevin, your bass sounded undefined and muddy. Jim, if everyone stopped playing but you, and I closed my eyes, I would have guessed I was listening to Poison in '87! The kick couldn't have been any boomier and the snare sounded like fuckin' shotguns with a faint tickle of your symbols. Keyboards?? Percussion?? You should be proud that you paid them $100 of YOUR money just to be on stage, cause you sure as fuck couldn't hear 'em! How many times have I warned you guys about soundmen? I even told you what to say to them!!! You should have chosen the soundman and made triple sure that he knew your new album inside and out!!!

Strike 2: Mick Jagger wouldn't be hangin' out in the club before HIS RECORD RELEASE show! Make a fuckin' statement!!! Your faces should not have been seen for ONE SECOND before you took that stage! Do you think the Rolling Stones would be walkin' around minglin' in the crowd before their RECORD RELEASE show?? Do you think Jack White would be caught dead in the crowd before he takes the stage?? Bush leagues!!! Dean, you're just fuckin' hangin' out by the fuckin' entrance before the show, AND SOMETIMES ALONE! PATHETIC!!! A REAL Rock 'n Roll band would have been backstage getting psyched up for the greatest show of their entire lives!!! Then take the stage uniformly and immediately lay into the set. Also noting that they would have informed the guy at the lights to keep the stage pitch black until he hears the intro to the first song! Then, what REAL Rock 'n Roll bands do is mingle AFTER the show, listening to all the fans rave about them instead of making excuses!

Strike 3: Nice Set!
If you want to play the whole record in it's entirety, fine, then FUCKIN' PLAY US THE GOD DAMNED RECORD!!! Play us that record SO FUCKIN' GOOD that EVERYONE buys one after the show! Not only does everyone buy it, but they go home and tell 2 friends how fuckin' amazing you were while feeling LUCKY to have a copy of album BEFORE it comes out! Then the next time you play it fuckin' sells out. There IS A FUCKIN' REASON why the White Stripes are exploding! Cause they are a fuckin' great Rock 'n Roll band. They pay great attention to ALL of these details! The shit doesn't just fall into their laps for free!!! If you choose to play the record in sequence, then you should have made that show sound as if they were listening to that record LIVE!!! I would have made every aspect of the live set absolutely flawless, even down to the horns!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, by the way Kevin, that was real pro of you to use the word FUCK about 12 times in 3 sentences on that pathetic thing you would have called an encore (which was undeserved I might add!). 80% of the whole fuckin' crowd lost interest!!! Fuck man, if you weren't my band I would have left! In fact, I fuckin' should have walked out!! Great addition too bringing in 2 extra people that look ABSOLUTELY BORED on stage!!! The fuckin' guy playing keyboards even put his fuckin' head down DURING THE FUCKIN' SET!!! Oh by the way, the guys at 89X and the Riff were really impressed with the show, or I should say the 4 songs they actually stayed for! I sure the fuck hope that writer who is planning the feature on you there didn't witness that horseshit! If so, you can kiss that cover story goodbye . . . I sure as shit hope that writer from MOJO wasn't there either! And I bet Jack White just can't wait to ask you out on the road now . . .

Strike 4: Never admit you suck!
Dean, you actually apologized ON STAGE for being unrehearsed at your own fucking RECORD RELEASE show!!! You apologized for sucking!!!???????? That ain’t Rock ‘n Roll man! I’m quite sure I wasn’t the only one in the crowd thinking, if they are unrehearsed for this show, when the fuck are they EVER gonna be??

Strike Umpteen:
It's your fuckin' RECORD RELEASE show!!! How bout some fuckin' self promotion!!! Or are you guys above that?? Your attitude sure the fuck points in that direction! Plaster flyers all over town, tell every mother fuckin' person you know to come to your show cause you don't want to miss this one! Build some fuckin' anticipation!!! YOU fuckin' do it!!! You expect people to buy tons of your records when you perform like that?? All Billy and I have heard for months is how you can do it on your own . . . you DEMAND that you are making a statement with your records. Yet you don't take the biggest show of your career seriously??!!!! Who the fuck are you???? You have sold less than 10,000 records! Instead of gettin' fuckin' drunk every night hangin' out in the scene, your asses should have been in your basement fucking rehearsing!!! You have become completely lackadaisical in every aspect of your career! You turn shit into me late . . . if ever, you cancel PAYING gigs last minute and piss off the clubs that were there supporting you from the beginning . . . You fuckin' have the balls to play the poor pitiful routinecause you don't have any money, yet you have the leisure to turn down money??!!! And don't be handin' me anymore of that bullshit about Jim's wrist . . . figure it out . . . or fuckin' have the courtesy to let the club know sooner! It wasn't long ago that you guys were making fun of The Chamber Stings for doing the absolute same shit!! It takes you 4 FUCKING MONTHS to finish the master! While you give ME attitude, in the tone of a threat, that the record has to be released in March! You don't fuckin' communicate with anyone, let alone yourselves . . . Dean you just dropped off the face of the fuckin' earth during the SET UP of your record!!! Then you guys turn in fuckin' shitty photos last minute to me that will actually run and be seen by others. AND I STILL am yet to see the negatives!! I just got a call from Roe telling me that you guys told him to call me about getting paid for the artwork. That shit HAS to be pre-approved! You NEVER told me he was charging me. If so, I would not have agreed, and I would have had you do it with my guy. I ain't gonna fuckin' pay him!

This is the way you choose to represent yourselves??? You guys think that you don't need me and can do it all yourselves . . . well, keep it up and before you know it, you'll all be PERMANENTLY working schlep jobs!!!

THAT WAS NOT ROCK 'N ROLL!!!!!!!

Aste Del a Vomit,
Bob
P.S. YOU BETTER NOT FUCKIN' EMBARRASS ME AND YOURSELVES AGAIN in MY home town!!!