2.08.2005

relief

i was so fucked up after psycho that i still feel it... i can see how fucked up i still am...

i get all apprehensive. i'm afraid that steve's going to be pissed at me. when he's NEVER BEEN PISSED AT ME BEFORE. he gives me absolutely no reason to even think that he'd ever lash out at me. but i'm paranoid, i guess....

and so when he writes me back basically saying, "what're you sorry for? there's no reason to be" i feel so fucking relieved. like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. and i know there's no reason for me to really be sorry... but i was so used to always being blamed for EVERYTHING (like, when... say, the raiders lost a game... or the braves lost a game... LIKE IT FUCKING MATTERED WHETHER OR NOT I WAS WATCHING. JEEZUS CHRIST) that i still feel like everything's my fault... or something catastrophic is going to happen (like ... i dunno... like my ass is gonna get a beatdown)... and i shouldn't ever feel that way because steve would never lay a hand on me. and i KNOW that. but i get paranoid, i guess. and it has nothing to do with steve. it's me. it's all me. and i know it.

and i think about how lucky i am to have found steve... and sometimes, i can't believe it. like i don't deserve him. maybe i don't... maybe i got steve when he was in a lonely place. heh. and i got lucky...

and i get scared and i tell myself, "it's only a matter of time before steve sees you for what you really are... a scared, underconfident, stupid, neurotic bitch... and he's going to leave you... and if you gain 5 lbs, he's going to leave you" but then i remember that those terms don't describe me. well, maybe underconfident and neurotic... but i'm not stupid. and i'm not fat... nor am i ugly... and those are just adjectives psycho used to describe me to put me down... because he was stupid and fat and ugly. and god knows why i even gave him the time of day. maybe because i wasn't confident... and he seemed to exude it. and he was charming. and i was young. maybe i was trying to prove something to myself... that i could just sleep with someone and not get attached. stupid me. that uhm, talent... didn't happen until later. heh.

GOD. i was so dumb. and because of all that shit... sometimes... i think... that all people aren't trustworthy... and steve is still just a man (albeit a perfect one) and he could hurt me and if he were to leave me, i would probably deserve it. as easy as marriage is with him, it's not always easy being married to someone who's perfect. heh. and one day, he's going to see just how very NOT PERFECT i am.

but then i have to shake it off again... i deserve him. i deserve this. i deserve to be treated with respect and love and ... i deserve to have great sex! and not have to fake orgasms, goddamnit!

and why does this shit bother me? i don't know. will it take me forever to get over it? the betrayal and the verbal, emotional, physical abuse... the fear... the hate... just everything. i wish i could just... NEVER think about it. at all. i wish i was over it. it doesn't make me cry anymore. but i still think about it from time to time.

and i am thankful that although steve may never understand, he never tells me to ... just get over it. i don't bring it up very often... but i think it would be easy to just tell me that. it's been years... and steve has helped me to forget a lot of it. but every once in a while, it creeps up. and i want to explode. i blogged that i wouldn't dedicate another post to psycho... i guess i broke a promise to myself.

17 Comments:

Blogger J. said...

Oh oh. We're having one of those days?

I just wrote another post on the NPD blog, but it's saved as draft. But maybe you need to hear the conclusion ... I'll email it to you.

I'm not broken, I'm getting better. Sometimes I feel so broken, like why would I want to saddle someone with a broken me.

I think it applies to you, too. Steve sees that you're getting better. He has confidence in you. He loves you. You're cycling. That's how humans heal themselves, you know? And it really hasn't been THAT long ago that you were in that hell.

(hugs girl)

11:13 AM  
Blogger Cece said...

GROUP HUG!
STeve loves you cuz you FUCKING ROCK. Whats not to love?

11:19 AM  
Blogger Ian said...

Yeah, you sound reall great, Grace. I would find it a real honour knowing you if I lived in CA...

11:29 AM  
Blogger grace said...

jeanette: thanks for the email... i'm glad someone out there knows exactly what i'm going through. heh.

cece: thanks... you're the sweetest... i just hope steve doesn't think i'm smothering him...

ian: i'm perplexed by your comment...

12:05 PM  
Blogger Amber_sun said...

Grace, it takes time to heal (esp. from the type of crap you sound like you had to suffer through). You are blessed to have Steve but I think he's equally blessed to have you. And you need to start believing that, girl! ;)

12:19 PM  
Blogger Kis Lee said...

Grace, i won't pretend like i know what you're going through. i bet everyone has something from the past that they would like to forget. erasing a painful past is easier said than done.

you just have to keep telling yourself that you do deserve love, happiness, respect and all that other good stuff. you know you deserve it. let your inner diva out. ;)

1:14 PM  
Blogger julia said...

::big hugs::

i'm so glad you found steve. :) and you are just as perfect as steve is.. :)

1:19 PM  
Blogger Ian said...

Why?

4:55 PM  
Blogger nobody said...

Wow. I guess I'm pretty new on the scene. I had/have no idea of this awful psychoness of which you speak. But I'm pretty sure that we ALL have a big pile of hurt in our archives somewhere. (half the reason that most of us start blogs in the first place, no?) I'm so sorry. Frankly, you took my head clean off. The Grace I know is nothing but an open, positive, funny, bringer-together-of-bloggers kind of person. Not to mention hot, charming, and on. So I guess what I'm saying is that you are a far cry from the victim persona. You ARE strong and confident and all that good stuff.

I think Steve's a very lucky guy.

PS. Writing a post about someone from a completely different emotional vantage point than previously is in fact a completely different thing. You didn't let yourself down. Sometimes this stuff needs to get out.

5:18 PM  
Blogger cat said...

hell, i think you're cool. not that that really matters. :) and i think steve and you are so bloody lucky to have such strong love (and great sex :)).

today is my day to leave you really long rambling comments. sorry :P

7:37 PM  
Blogger Niobium said...

It becomes your mantra and soon it's a self fulfilling prophacy, because, as far as you're concerned, *everyone* has told you this. But that's not the case. One persyn told you something negative, once, and you replayed it in your head so much that it's all you heard for eternity.

Changing the mantra is hard, but you have to a turn it into a positive mantra everytime the negative one speaks. It's like changing the channel from a bad tv show to a good tv show--from one that makes you sad to one that makes you happy.

Bad mantra sneaks in and the next thing you know, your brain is filled with this chorus of negative voices. If you listen hard enough, you will find all but one is yours. The one that isn't? That voice is the persyn who planted the bad seed in your brain in the first place. Get your weed killer.

(Does any of that make sense?)

Nio

8:10 PM  
Blogger Yankeebob said...

Grace, you call the ex 'psycho' for a reason. He was obviously unbalanced. Steve does not sound anywhere near to that guy. You shouldn't worry so much.

It is OK to be aware of how you are treating your relationship. Just don't get paranoid and see things that aren't really there. You're lucky to have found each other.

Hey, you mean to say that I could have blamed you for the Yankees not getting to the World Series last year? Gee, I knew someone was to blame for that.

5:41 AM  
Blogger peachy said...

Steve sounds really awesome (once again!). I'm glad that he's understanding and accepting of your past and showing you that there are brighter days ahead.
I wasn't around for the psycho posts either and I'm actually happy about that.
One day at a time babe. You'll get past it and just laugh at what a stupid moron that psycho was.

Oh, to be young again. :)

7:14 AM  
Blogger Veronica said...

I always read your posts way after you've written them and now basically everyone has said what I would have said. You are such a wonderful person, but I completely understand how ONE person can make you feel so bad. It'd be a perfect world if we never had to deal with anyone else's psychological problems, which seems like you were doing with psycho. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that, but I am glad you have finally found the person you deserve. With Steve's help I'm sure you'll be able to get past this. It may take time, but I doubt Steve would let a sexy bitch go. :o) You're beautiful and just reading your blog I already love you. As you can see though, everyone does. I know I'm just babbling now, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you.

8:33 AM  
Blogger grace said...

as: i know. most of the time i do! it's just sometimes... shit gets to me again...

le: thanks... i feel like i should sit in front of a mirror like stuart smalley... and tell myself that i'm good enough and goshdarnit! people like me! :P

jules: you're first in line for him when i die :P heh.

ian: i dunno. it just did. i'm insane, remember?

mtmt: i don't usually feel like the victim. i am usually the one to own up to shit... i take responsibility for my actions, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah... but some days....

cat: thanks... i think you're swell :)

nio: believe me, it wasn't just once that i heard that.

yb: i know i shouldn't be so paranoid. i should just feel lucky... and move on. and i have ... for the most part... and yeah. you can totally blame me for the yankees :P i've been blamed for all sorts of shit :P

peachy: yeah... i don't ever want to be young again... i was so naive and trusting... and fucking stupid.

v: thanks, v... you're the sweetest :)

9:58 AM  
Blogger Niobium said...

If you heard it more than once, that means that weeds are popping up all over your brain. Time for the weedwacker: mow his ass down.

Nio

3:11 PM  
Blogger Richard said...

I have to say I agree with mtmt, whole-heartedly. I'm new here and have only seen the confident, and wonderfully neurotic grace.

4:51 PM  

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