1.19.2005

iowa

so, my brother's been in iowa for a few months now. his progress is, well, up and down. they say that's to be expected. i say he's an idiot.

it's disappointing, to be sure, but what can you do when you have a stupid brother, right?

for example... he says he should just come home because he's concerned about all the money my parents are spending there. first of all, he didn't give a fuck about their money when he was living at home, stealing from them. second of all, if he was SO fucking concerned, shouldn't he be trying extra hard to graduate from the program early? that's his backwards logic. he just doesn't fucking GET IT.

at any rate, several months ago, i went to this "seminar" thing so i could translate for my parents. it taught me a few things and i think it helped me want to be a better person. i see myself slipping into my old ways, though. i need to fix that. my temper is starting to get out of control again. oh, look! it's all about me again! GAH!

ANYWAY, the kids have to take a very similar seminar. my brother flunked out of it. they felt he wasn't taking it seriously enough so he was asked to leave. there's another seminar for him coming up in early february. i want him to do well and i want him to make it through, but in a way i don't...

you see, if he passes this seminar, it makes him eligible for PC1 (parent-child meeting 1) in march. unfortunately, it doesn't appear that my mom will be able to get those 2 days off. (you need one full day for travel because it's out in BUMBLEFUCK!) and my father simply CAN NOT go by himself. he's the world's biggest pushover and my brother knows it. if my dad goes out there by himself, he'll most likely bring my brother home and that would be a HUGE mistake.

so, that leaves me. i don't really want to go. i mean, i can't promise that i will remain objective. i can't promise that i'm not going to get emotional and i can't promise that i won't go absolutely apeshit on my dad or my brother... not that they're expecting that of me, but i don't want to show my brother that i'm weak ... or susceptible to... his manipulation or anything he has to say.

but, if he doesn't pass the seminar, PC1 will get pushed back and my mom could possibly be able to make it to the next one.

and i feel horribly selfish for not wanting to go and help out. but, i don't know if i can handle that trip. and with just my dad? he's so needy!!! i love him, but christ, i have to do everything for him. maybe i am a horrible person... i don't know...

i guess i'll find out in the beginning of february if i need to make plans to go... and i know it's a little early to be worrying about whether i need to go, but i can't help it. i'm a fucking stressmonkey. i always have been, i always will be, i guess.

4 Comments:

Blogger J. said...

I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're a marshmallowey gushy person who puts on a big bad shell to face the world. And, I think you think he knows that and will use it against you and you don't want to be manipulated. That's what I think. For what it's worth.

2:56 PM  
Blogger genetic mishap said...

this is very selfish of me and maybe i can only write it because it's not my brother, but here goes:

as far as I know, your brother has not done ANYTHING to really make your life any easier, in fact he seems to be doing pretty much everything he can to mess things up for himself and for you and your family as well. I don't see any reason why you should put yourself out and go on this trip you really don't seem to want to go on just for him.

Maybe part of the reason he gets in trouble so much is that he knows that his family will always be there for him to bail him out whenever he gets in too deep. Maybe if no one could make it to his PC1 he would start to realize that you may not always be there for him, and he better start thinking long-term about his life and what he wants his relationships with his family to be like.

I am probably totally wrong, but Maybe not. Maybe.

4:05 PM  
Blogger grace said...

gm: unfortunately, my dad just can't be trusted to go alone. and my bro can't graduate from this program without PC3... and he can't do PC3 without PC2. and he can't do PC2 without PC1. so, yeah. i guess that's why i feel really stuck...

5:14 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

Just because you don't want to run and help your brother all the time doesn't make you a bad person. I think you are a wonderful sister. The fact that you're even taking the time out of your day writing about him on your blog says a lot. It means you are thinking about him. It doesn't matter if it's a little negitive. He has passed out his share of negitiveness.

From what I know of your brother, he does seem to know how to push the right buttons. I think your dad needs to have a pep talk with himself and be strong. I know you will go to support your dad and your brother. I will be here with my cell waiting to hear from you when you need help dealing with all this bullshit.

In the meantime, fuck it, try to enjoy the day.:)

5:29 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home