iowa

so, my brother's been in iowa for a few months now. his progress is, well, up and down. they say that's to be expected. i say he's an idiot.

it's disappointing, to be sure, but what can you do when you have a stupid brother, right?

for example... he says he should just come home because he's concerned about all the money my parents are spending there. first of all, he didn't give a fuck about their money when he was living at home, stealing from them. second of all, if he was SO fucking concerned, shouldn't he be trying extra hard to graduate from the program early? that's his backwards logic. he just doesn't fucking GET IT.

at any rate, several months ago, i went to this "seminar" thing so i could translate for my parents. it taught me a few things and i think it helped me want to be a better person. i see myself slipping into my old ways, though. i need to fix that. my temper is starting to get out of control again. oh, look! it's all about me again! GAH!

ANYWAY, the kids have to take a very similar seminar. my brother flunked out of it. they felt he wasn't taking it seriously enough so he was asked to leave. there's another seminar for him coming up in early february. i want him to do well and i want him to make it through, but in a way i don't...

you see, if he passes this seminar, it makes him eligible for PC1 (parent-child meeting 1) in march. unfortunately, it doesn't appear that my mom will be able to get those 2 days off. (you need one full day for travel because it's out in BUMBLEFUCK!) and my father simply CAN NOT go by himself. he's the world's biggest pushover and my brother knows it. if my dad goes out there by himself, he'll most likely bring my brother home and that would be a HUGE mistake.

so, that leaves me. i don't really want to go. i mean, i can't promise that i will remain objective. i can't promise that i'm not going to get emotional and i can't promise that i won't go absolutely apeshit on my dad or my brother... not that they're expecting that of me, but i don't want to show my brother that i'm weak ... or susceptible to... his manipulation or anything he has to say.

but, if he doesn't pass the seminar, PC1 will get pushed back and my mom could possibly be able to make it to the next one.

and i feel horribly selfish for not wanting to go and help out. but, i don't know if i can handle that trip. and with just my dad? he's so needy!!! i love him, but christ, i have to do everything for him. maybe i am a horrible person... i don't know...

i guess i'll find out in the beginning of february if i need to make plans to go... and i know it's a little early to be worrying about whether i need to go, but i can't help it. i'm a fucking stressmonkey. i always have been, i always will be, i guess.