that's me. completely devastated.

all this time, i thought that i have never farted in front of steve. he broke the news to me the other night. i have from time to time farted in my sleep. I'VE WOKEN HIM UP NO LESS...

my farts have startled him. in his sleep! holy crap. i have never been so fucking mortified in my life! (except for that time in high school when my boyfriend's mom caught us making out, but that's a whole other story.)

he says it's cute, but... there's NOTHING cute about farting. NOTHING. god, i just hope that they didn't smell.


Blogger Big Johnson said...

I too am devestated Grace. Until now I didn't know women farted. What's next? The Red Sox will win a World Series?

2:37 PM  
Blogger Veronica said...

That is freakin' hilarious!! Well... doesn't he fart in his sleep? Or are you a deep sleeper?

I can already picture Steve peacefully asleep next to you dreaming of sugar plums dancing in his head when suddenly out of nowhere a big....


"What was that?! Am we being attacked by bears?

Thank God, no. They're just Grace's cute little farts."

2:44 PM  
Blogger Agent_LAH said...

Thank you for the laugh Grace...I needed it so bad. I think I wrote a post about the 1st time I farted in front of Trevor. He thought it was the funniest thing ever...I was so embarassed and mortified. I agree, there's nothing cute about farting. I don't know if I've ever woken up Trevor though...he sleeps through everything. So you win that award.

2:45 PM  
Blogger Amber_sun said...

Now this made me smile... :)
The good part of all this, G, is that even if you have farted in front of him, female farts can never quite match the pungent aroma of the species known as fartus malificous (also known as Man-fart!) ;)

2:56 PM  
Blogger giest said...

Bwahahaha! My wife will kill me, but she has done the same thing to me! I don't think it's cute, but it's all I can do to stop from laughing my ass off!

3:36 PM  
Blogger grace said...

big: thanks for the clever sports analogy. just kidding. i hate sports.

v: yeah, i'm a fairly deep sleeper... but i swear, the first time steve wakes me up because of a fart, it's getting blogged!

lah: wow. i get an award for waking my hubby up because of my fart... yeah... well, i'm glad you laughed, because i am still mortified. heh.

as: i have had boys fart in front of me, and i have to agree. that shit is PUNGENT. and not in a good way. UGH.

3:41 PM  
Blogger J. said...

Oh, Veronica, Grace is the deepest sleeper EVER.

Hey, Grace, cool, now you can fart in front of him when you're awake! It's all in the baby steps.

I think the guy has to break the farting barrier in a relationship. But once he does, it's farting season!

P.S. Grace, check your gmail.

3:51 PM  
Blogger grace said...

giest: i didn't see your comment! dude, you are so going to be in the doghouse with the wife :P

jeanette: i dunno... i need another two years of marriage AT LEAST to get comfy enough to do that!!! i want him to think i'm sexy, damn it!

4:06 PM  
Blogger Kiss Me Im Italian said...

Some people sleep walk ... Grace sleep farts.

4:15 PM  
Blogger julia said...

what the hell is steve talking about. girls don't fart. monkey. :P

4:45 PM  
Blogger grace said...

fuck you, lar! :P

yeah, jules... i think he's making shit up. crazy boy! :D

5:25 PM  
Blogger J. said...

Well, you better cut loose before you birth one of his children. Cuz, you know, everyone poops while birthing.

5:36 PM  
Blogger Kiss Me Im Italian said...

Love you too Grace :P

6:32 PM  
Blogger Michael Moore said...

You know, Dooce makes a career out of that sort of thing.

Looks like Grace is going to be #1 in the ratings soon enough!

7:11 PM  
Blogger Ian said...

...better out than in...

7:44 PM  
Blogger Kis Lee said...

girls farting...get outta here! that can't be true!

oh god, please, i hope i don't fart in my sleep.

9:30 PM  
Blogger Nina said...

First off, thank god. The idea (stress) of the two of you never farting around each other was perplexing me. I am sorryj it upset you though.

Second, farting is natural. I think women are repressed farters. We hold them in all day long because that's what ladies do. When we go to sleep we have no control over our bodies. You can't help it if you rip ass in your sleep. You're repressed!

Steve would love you no matter what. He said it was cute...:P See he's too damn perfect!:)

5:21 AM  
Blogger Mel Mega said...

Okay, I just read this, but it made me cry from laughing so hard. Haven't I ever told you the church story?

So there I am, an awkward 15-year-old sitting with her family during a loooooong all-day program in a ginormous room full of other church-goers (I grew up in a very religious household). By the time the afternoon rolled around, I was hot and sleepy. I decided to rest my head on my brother's shoulder and close my eyes for a minute. The next thing I know I am being awakened by the LOUDEST sound. Ever. In a completely silent room. And then I realized that sound was coming from my own body. Grace, I farted so loud and long that I woke myself up! In a room of at least 500 people.

So I don't want to hear about how devastated you are that you woke up Steve. Because it could be worse.

By the way, I can not sleep in public anymore, not even on airplanes, for fear that it will happen again. Could you imagine on an airplane? *Shudder*

9:40 AM  
Blogger a beer sort of girl said...

That's so funny. Grace's post made me laugh, but Mel's comment actually made me want to cry, it was so awesome.

I was going to admit that I've done that too. I've actually woken both The Husband and MYSELF at night. Gross!

Women ARE repressed creatures. Do men just fart during the day, in the office? Ewww.

10:54 AM  
Blogger Big Johnson said...

Perhaps you should try a game of "Covered Wagon." When one farts in bed they quickly pull the covers over the head of their loved one and hold them down. This has also been referred to as a "Dutch Oven." Perhaps Steve will pull the "reverse covered wagon" and use your own fart against you. Hmmm...note to Steve...

12:52 PM  
Blogger nobody said...

OMG! You have just made my day Grace. That was hilarious. I bet you're having a hard time sleeping soundly (er, but maybe not) these days.

10:22 AM  

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