sunday

there were 120+ people in that seminar. the facilitator, moved us all to one side of the room.

"you have to get to the other side of the room. but you can not do it in the same way as anyone else before you. okay, i'll go first."

and he walks across the room. the next person ran, the next person skipped, the next person cartwheeled, etc etc etc. about 80 people or so went before he picked me to go. everything i was going to do, was done.

i ended up doing somersaults the whole way across... i thought i was going to puke, i was so dizzy. that sucked ass. my mom flew like an airplane. she's so cute. and my dad? hopped on one leg... poor guy. he practically fell over. one grandma ended up hurting herself. hit her head on the floor when she fell. poor thing.

the point of that exercise was basically, don't dwell on the how-to's. if you want something bad enough, you'll figure out a way to do it. you'll get creative.

another exercise was, we got broken up into 5 groups. we were supposed to sing "the impossible dream" a cappella. and act at the same time. each group got a different scenario.

ours was the cast of the wizard of oz. most of us were munchkins.
another was south central LA (which was great. imagine a bunch of aging moms and dads... acting like thugs. hehehe... not good.)
3rd was sesame street
4th was the opera and ballet (the guys were the ballerinas. what's the masculine form of ballerina? ballerino? heh) and the women were the opera singers
5th was the kids on the first day at the schools. that was great. all these moms with their shirts tucked under their bras with drawn on tats around their belly buttons, dads getting up in each other's faces pushing each other... all of them were yelling "SHUT THE FUCK UP" to the lone guy singing... it was comedy. not a pretty site, lemme tell ya.

anyway, i'm actually kind of glad i went. not to sound hokey or anything, but i think that it was an eye-opening experience for me. strange, but good in a way. not good enough to make me want to go to the next seminar my parents have to go to. but, good nonetheless.

and at least i don't hate my brother anymore. we all let him down a lot. he's just weaker than my sister or me. and he loved us so much that when we promised him something and we didn't do it, he was disappointed more. he needed stability and consistency more than we did...

and i feel terrible that i let him down. when he was about 11 or 12... he told me that he looked up to me so much. i was his idol ... i was like god to him. how differently he perceives me now.

so, although... oh, i don't know. what am i trying to say??? i always knew he was weak. but i never really thought about it. i didn't see how the behavior of my parents... or my behavior could so affect him. i thought love was all he needed. because he got a lot of it... and i was wrong.

we were counting up the times we moved around... i moved 15 times until now. 15 that i remember. since i was about 2. 16 when you include the move from korea to the US. and my dad said there were some before that first place i remember.

with that kind of instability, my bro needed consistency from my parents. and he wasn't getting it. so even though his stupid friends may not love him... they were there for him. sure they might've been calling him to find drugs... but at least they were calling him consistently. heh :P

i still think he's a little jerk. but now i know... i contributed to this whole mess...

thank god it's all over. now i can go back to being my normal cynical, bitchy self. phew.