nightmares

so, i get these nightmares every once in a while. about psycho... i hate that he still gets into my dreams. i wish he'd just die. now i know that's not a very nice thing to say, but his existence is pretty much useless. all he will ever do is hurt people that he thinks he loves. i used to think, as long as it's not me, i don't care what he does. but, now, i do care. i hope he's not hurting anyone else. i hope he's crippled, maimed, injured, whatever. i hope he gets caught stealing in the middle east somewhere so they chop his hands off... i hope that a group of thugs beat him up, i hope someone crazy glues his legs together and then beats him with a baseball bat, i hope that he suffers. not because i hate him, but because he deserves it. because that's how much pain he's inflicted on others. not just me, but other people... his family, his ex-girlfriends... everyone he comes into contact with...
 
i dunno. i'm over the fear of running into him. but he still enters my dreams. it's awful. i think part of that has to do with mel marrying stan (or as jules is always mistyping: satan)... i just see what she's turned into and it upsets me. i see how i used to be and it's frightening. (for the record, i don't think stan's beating her or anything. i just think he's very manipulative, controlling, and possessive.)
 
he should embrace her for who she is and if she wants to change for herself for the better, she should do it. not change into a mindless girl without an opinion for him. he should accept her for who she is. not expect her to change. can you believe she said: i have so many things to change now i can't keep track???? how effed up is that? you know something's wrong with the relationship if someone says that...
 
i wish her luck. i'm sorry i had to end our 12 year friendship, but he was going to end it anyway... but i guess it doesn't really matter anyway... i don't know her anymore... and it's a shame.
 
anyway, whatever. steve's taking me to seattle and vancouver the weekend of her wedding. hehe... maybe i'm just lucky to have found a unique and great guy. maybe most boys out there are like stan. scary. maybe i've forgotten since i've been out of the dating loop for a few years now... maybe i'm used to being spoiled by steve? i dunno.
 
and for those judging me who think that she was there for me while i was with psycho, so i should be there for her at her wedding, i only have this to say: she was there for me before psycho and after psycho. not during. and yes, part of that's my fault because i pushed people away, but that's also because she was always judging me, not understanding why i couldn't get out of that relationship. it's so much more complex than that. i  hope she's realizing that now... but, i doubt it. i gave her too much credit. she's not that understanding or bright and i'm realizing that now... (so, what does that say about me???)
 
well, good luck to my friends who are stuck being in that wedding. i'm just relieved i got out :)